'What did?'
'For pity's sake, Tuppy,' yawned the T-G (for he had returned), 'Whatever else does anyone talk about these days but that tiresome virus.'
'It's not a virus though,' continued Tuppence, his eyes glittering feverishly, 'It's a bioweapon.'
'That doesn't preclude it being a virus Tuppence. It could be a weaponised virus.'
'What about the bats?' I asked. 'I thought it originated in bats. Someone in China et one and it jumped species. Didn't they?'
'I thought pangolins,' said Geoffrey from the kitchen, raising his voice over the sound of sizzling bacon.
'I'll tell you precisely where it originated,' said the T-G, filling his pipe. 'It originated in darkest South America, in a Nazi colony that's been thriving since the fall of Hitler and waiting its chance for world domination. Do you remember when you got stung by the giant South American wasp, Tuppy?'
'I do. I'm still troubled by occasional hallucinations about being pursued by that massive egg.'
'That was just the start Tuppy. They were only warming up at that point. You, yes you - were the guinea pig.'
'You mean, the wasp that stung me had escaped from a laboratory run by Nazis?'
'Yes. Or was it released? You see Tuppy, those Nazis are determined to return, using hi-tech bioweapons delivered by wasps that will wipe out half the population of the earth with minimum effort. The concentrated venom of the giant South American wasp makes the effects of Covid-19 look like a five year old's birthday party. They intensified its toxicity through years of careful inbreeding. Just one droplet is now enough to wipe out a city the size of Inverness.'
'I thought that the wasp had escaped from your vitrine - the one in the topmost tower of Tupfinder Towers, late of this parish.'
'It did. A contact of mine had managed to capture it and sent me it via Yodel in a cast iron strongbox, bolted and padlocked but sadly with no key, so that I could study it. I was out when it arrived but they left it in the coal bunker and put a note through the letterbox. When I eventually crow-barred open the box and got the creature under a hi-powered microscope with a pair of two foot long fire tongs I was appalled! So appalled that I let go of the tongs and the wasp escaped and - well, you know the rest. Yet that wasp was only an outrider Tuppy! The wasps they've got now make that one look like a Mayfly. They're super-intelligent, but also completely insane due to the inbreeding. And their venom - dear Lord.'
The T-G shuddered and I signalled to Geoffrey to fetch the sal volatile.
'What can we do to protect ourselves? Stay indoors and save lives? Wash our hands for twenty seconds in hot soapy water?'
'That won't do any good. We need a plan. I suggest that firstly we must construct individual hazmat suits, so that we can safely go out-doors. Then, we should all meet up in the Puff Inn. Stormy's re-opening while maintaining social distancing - though, how he's going to manage that with a pub the size of your average bathroom, beats me. But we need to support local businesses so -'
'But his staff have been furloughed T-G', Tuppence interrupted, ' and why should they return to work when the virus is still on the loose?'
'Stormy hasn't got any staff, he does it all himself,' I replied. 'He uses rats when he needs casual labour. Fetch the sewing machine and the tarpaulin Geoffrey. We'd better get those hazmat suits made up. I could murder a pint of Purple Peril.'
next time - battling our terror we venture down to the Puff Inn in our newly-fashioned hazmat suits to find that Stormy has devised a foolproof method of keeping himself and his customers safe - six foot long drinking straws, leading from external seating to the bar, and a six foot long 'money chute' for 'contactless' payment. Also, Tuppence releases a charity single to raise funds for the NHS, featuring a 100 year old care home resident playing the theremin with his false teeth.
