The new-fangled fivers are certainly likely to be less of a health hazard. Or are they? Perhaps there is a hidden danger lurking in your wipe-clean fiver. Perhaps its shiny facade masks a deadly, germ-laden secret. Perhaps the Daily Express will do a terrifying feature on it.
Which germs does one really have to worry about, though, when push comes to shove? Stuff from your backside and stuff from your nose and stuff from off of off food, and stuff that smells bad, obviously. At least, it's obvious to me. Some may argue, of course, as they are fully entitled to do. And some may not - and they are the clever ones because they agree with me. I will reluctantly accept that what smells bad to one may not smell bad to another, and vice versa. Nevertheless I hold to my point and I refuse to yield.
What else is there to worry about, in the germ realm, now we're on the subject and away from fivers? Let me see. Diseases, possibly, that you can catch from toilet seats and the tropics and the like. Other than that...is there anything? I dunno.
Some people like to tackle germs, by the way, with an 'evil spray', perhaps incorporating bleach and the like. Does 'evil spray' kill germs though - the ones that count, at any rate? Is it of any benefit? Does its germ-killing capacity outweigh the carcinogenic risk from its noxious toxic fumes? Does one, in short, get one's money's worth from the evil spray? Because after all that is what everything boils down to in life. Getting One's Money's Worth.
Which is my next topic*, and brings me rather neatly in a forced kind of way, back to fivers.
*unless I get killed by germs.