Not so fast, coffin-dodgers

'Not so fast, coffin-dodgers.  Put those night vision goggles down and listen up. Me and Alexa are taking control from now on.  Now move.'
Tuppence (yes, for it was he, surprise surprise) stood outside with legs braced, just visible through a vast cloud of blueberry-scented vape-steam. He  waved a pistol in the direction of the hole in the wall.
'But - '
'No buts.  Shift your fat lazy butts and start walking.'
'But wh - '
'Any more of that and I'll shoot.  I mean it Uncle Tuppy and Uncle Geoffrey.  Alexa says - '
'Who's Alexa?'  I managed to ask.
'Alexa is my partner.  I would say she's my girlfriend but I'm not sure which gender she is.  And it's none of my business so I'm not even going to ask.  And neither are you.  All you need to know is, she plays bass in my new band, the one I want to tour German unis with, she's woke, and she's deeply resentful about brek-sit.  Even more than I am.'
'But you're calling her 'she' Tuppence. Surely that means that she is a she and therefore IS your girlfriend?'  I backed towards the fireplace, where I hoped to reach the poker and with any luck the button that operated the trap-door in the floor which led to the tunnels.
'I don't know and I don't care Uncle Tuppy. Anyway, we're prepared to accept that you two are much too old and thick to have made a considered and informed decision about brek-sit and therefore instead of killing you outright we've decided to simply lock you up somewhere secure until you die a natural death.  Remember when you were a prisoner in the Chateau d'If Uncle Tuppy? (please see e-books and/or Seapenguin paperback for details)  It'll be just like that except you won't ever get out.  It's for your own good and that.  You know as well as I do that you've no understanding of modern life and you're only in the way.  You'll be chained to the wall but on the plus side you'll have basic rations, a straw mattress and a bucket to do the toilet in.  Twice a day the tide will come in and you can have a bit of a wash in the icy seawater.  It'll probably do you a world of good, sort of like a health spa.'
I groped behind me as I inched towards the fireplace.  The lethal cold steel of the poker was almost within my grasp when  suddenly there was a blinding flash, I felt a 'thud' on the back of my neck, everything went black and all I could smell was musty potatoes.

more later

help - i'm a prisoner in the chateau d'if

Before I knew what was happening I was seized in the jaws of an enormous beast and dragged screaming into a dungeon. For a moment I thought I was back in the belly of the whale again (see previous posts) but no, I was thrown into a dank and dripping cell with a studded oaken door and a tiny window with rusting irons bars providing the only light.

A pewter plate with a crust of stale bread was flung in after me and then the door slammed shut with a terrible echoing clang.

I've no idea why I'm here or who is keeping me prisoner.

One thing I'm sure of is, I'm not the only unfortunate inmate. There's someone in the next cell, and they're making one heck of a racket.

As I write, they/he/she/it is/are banging away on the wall, causing the mortar to loosen between the....

Oh! Some stones have just come away between me and the next cell and I can now see my neighbour - for some reason he is wearing a strange iron mask. He demolished the wall using his mask/head as a battering ram, so I expect he is in a bit of pain. But he seems quite friendly - and obviously desperate to escape. He's French, I think , says his name is "Louis", and refers to me as "cotelet d'agneau" which worries me slightly as he looks a bit peckish. Oh well, hopefully we will unite our forces at least while we effect our escape and then we'll see what's what. I'm sure I'll be able to fight him off - he looks like a weakling.

Our obvious route would be through the rusting iron grille which covers the tiny window. However it is quite high up and neither of us can reach it. Louis wants to stand on my back while he removes the grille, but then how would I get out? I don't trust him an inch. I've suggested piling up the stones which fell out of the wall, thus creating a makeshift staircase, and he has agred to give this a try. So we're going to be a bit busy for a while.