'We live by the spirit.  The rest belongs to death.'

I've been trawling through the blog archives, which go back to June 2008.  I deleted lots of posts during 2010 and 11.  Others have survived, some interesting, others not.  For a while it became a diary, a record of trips made, books read, pretty things like flowers noted.
Then that became too much in terms of the intrusion I felt from people reading it.  And as soon as you feel like that your writing becomes self-conscious and no use and the thing becomes dead and stilted and generally not good to read.
However.   The quote above appears on a Durer etching of his good friend Willibald Pirckheimer.  I wrote a blog post about it back in 2011 after visiting the Northern Renaissance exhibition in Edinburgh in the Queen's Gallery.  I liked the quote then and I liked it now when I found it during my archive trawl.  It feels apposite, at a time in my life when I feel surrounded by death and am looking to find a way through.  To find the light, if you like.
I've been writing this blog for eight years, on and off.  Readers, supporters,  have come and gone during this time. A couple of them have died.
Willibald Pirckheimer died aged just 60.  I don't expect to have a long life either - I haven't lived an especially healthy one and I'm sure bad habits will catch up with me.  None of us know how long we have.  My conclusion about life - well, today's conclusion - is that, well, I can't figure it out.  You have to feel that it's okay to have lived, and to pass away trusting that it's also okay that you haven't figured it out and that you don't know if it's all random or if you really have mattered, as every grain of sand matters.   My on-going task for however much time is left to me is to try my damnedest to figure it out.

Bright Shiny Things and Dirty Little Secrets

I’ve got another Diary to read*.  

This time it’s Kenneth Tynan’s.

It’s spiky and incomplete and full of quotations that caught his eye.  I’m very much enjoying it, so far (I’m on page 44, just).

The thing that popped into my head is this.  He had a bright shiny life full of dirty little…secrets.

That is not a bad thing.  Everyone has dirty little secrets.  They’re the things that drive us on.  He was only fortunate to have the bright shiny life part, as well.  I’d go so far as to say that he wouldn’t have had the bright shiny life part without the secrets. I’d perhaps venture even further, and say the dirtier the secrets, the brighter and shinier the life.

Dirty big secrets aren’t really interesting.  You want a dirty little secret.  It’s the grit in the oyster.

When you read a Diary you think you’re getting the nitty gritty. You’re really not, of course.  The only Diaries in which you’d get that are raw, pure diaries that you might find under a random pillow of a random maniac, or at the other extreme, a 1920s ‘housewife’ recording her seasonal jam-making** and such-like.  Someone who writes unself-consciously because they don’t imagine themselves a writer and who seeks simply to record the daily grind.  Which in itself is full of miracles that jump from the page as you read.  Published Diaries, of course, are carefully edited. Nevertheless they're probably my favourite type of book***.

I suppose if nobody had secrets nobody would write.  It’s secrets that drive some people to write, some people to paint, and others to hide themselves away in a cave, with a supply of custard creams, a sleeping-bag****, a flask of best brandy, and all of their secrets, dirty or otherwise, locked away in a strongbox.

I could go on.  But I won't.

*Two pounds eighty one off of Ebay, by the way, including P & P.  If ever I come into money, I'll pay full price for books.  She says shamefacedly.  Till then... 

**George Orwell recorded such things in a section of his Diaries.  A wonderful read.

***As I was typing that, I knew it was wrong. I also like biographies and, well, anything really.

**** and earplugs, to muffle the sound of the secrets fighting to escape from their prison.

My Novel Progress Chart, or 'N.P.C.'

Like Mrs T-G I have also started writing a novel, and after a bit of thinking and wondering I've now got a plan and a pattern for it, which appeals to me, and which doesn't feel too daunting. Unlike Mrs T-G, I don't live in Tupfinder Towers in a magical world where 'munny' is not required, so I'm not able to lock myself away in an 'upper room', and I have to earn to survive at the same time, which is an absolute pain in the neck to be honest.  However.  I don't want to live in a tent eating berries by the roadside, so I'll just have to shut up and get on with it.
I'll chart my progress along the way.

Still Reading...Michael Palin's 'Diaries'

Still reading Michael Palin's Diaries and although they're a little 'pedestrian' in parts, I've grown accustomed to his voice and I'm going to really miss them when I get to the end.  So, I think I'm going to have to buy the next volume, which I've already spotted on sale on Amazon for 1p or thereabouts.
It's quite odd reading his account of his life, because it seems so normal (the trips to Barbados and the jetting back and for'ard to New York and the multitude of showbiz pals and encounters aside).  Emotionally balanced, I think is what I'm 'groping for'.  When I think of the sketches he was in (Blackmail,  The Spanish Inquisition, for example) he seemed completely off the wall, but in 'real life' he must be totally different - very grounded and quite reserved I think. Nothing much seems to 'throw' him, or at least that's the impression I have.
It's interesting to read about his writing routine - he worked very very hard at it, to an extent that surprised me.  Mind you, it was his living and had been since leaving Oxford.  So he had the motivation and the time, and possibly most importantly, he had the contacts.   To paraphrase - 'he had three things - motivation, time, and contacts.  And success...he had FOUR things, time, motivation, contacts, and success...and a conducive environment...FIVE things....' and so on and so forth.  Not to mention a vast amount of talent.  'SIX things....'  And energy.  'SEVEN...'
Nevertheless, he was incredibly productive.  One thing in particular that made me take note was his attempt (successful) at novel-writing.  'I'm going to set myself a target of 1,000 words a day, and I'm going to get the whole thing done in three months.'  And he did.
I can easily bang out 1,000 words in a day - whether they're any good or not is another question. My main problem is not the word target but the plot - I have not got one.  I'm a rambler.  But, nothing ventured, and I think I might try the thousand words a day thing and see where it takes me. That's on top of any posts I produce here on the blog.

New Author Page on Amazon

I now have an author page on Amazon.  Here is the link. https://www.amazon.com/author/katesmart Feel free to check it out and have a look at the e-books.  Prices stated are in dollars but if you "proceed to check-out" - which I hope you do! - they will be converted into the currency of your home country.  You can also borrow them for free, via the Kindle library.

Projects underway include another blog-based e-book (taking me AGES due to transcribing from handwritten notebooks), a short self-help book on agoraphobia (still very early stages),  a novel (eek), a few stories, a joint project with BW Nicol, and a couple of other things.  Multi-tasking, in fact.  I have a very active brain (considering my age), I hate to be bored, and I'll complete them all in time.