'I could really murder a fishfinger sandwich. A doubler with plenty salad cream and red sauce. But we don't have any, and is it worth risking getting the virus to go out and get them? I wonder...'
'People are bastards.' My nephew Tuppence interrupted me as he attempted to throw his leg over the arm of the shabby leather armchair in which he lounged.
Isn't that a strange expression though? To 'throw one's leg over the arm of a chair'. Accurate if one can unbuckle and remove one's prosthetic leg (wooden, or Long John Silver-style 'peg', were I forced to choose) and chuck it over the arm of one's chair with (or indeed without) reckless abandon, perhaps smashing a glass-fronted bookcase or knocking over a vase in so doing. Otherwise, it's a bit weird.
Tuppence doesn't have a prosthetic leg. And, because his legs are very short, his effort at 'throwing one over' failed, and failed abysmally. He sat forward and put his head in his hands.
'Some people are best avoided Tuppence, we all know that.'
'They've bought up all the toilet roll and eggs in Speedispend Hypermarket and Compulsory Screening Centre. There isn't a carton of milk to be found either and there's no pasta. Don't even mention hand sanitiser. They've stripped the place bare. Bastards.'
'We don't need any of these things Tuppence. Stop worrying. We're doing a raid on the tunnels tonight under cover of darkness and we're going to get a few crates of tinned ham, some baccy and a couple of barrels of Madeira. That'll keep us going till the virus disappears.'
'What about the toilet roll and hand sanitiser?'
'Since when did we wipe our bottoms? We're sheep Tuppence, in case you'd forgotten. We just do it where we stand. And as for hand sanitiser, the only thing to do with that is distill the alcohol out of it and drink it with a nice slug of methylated spirits.'
'Val Nark's been making her own organic hand sanitiser and flogging it online. She says since there aren't any guests in the yurt and the airbnb she has to earn a crust somehow.'
'What's it made of? surely she hasn't wasted anything alcoholic.'
'Nettles steeped in her and Dave's wee then sieved through tights. Dave has a Youtube channel where he posts his otter vids and that and he posted one of her making the hand sanitiser. It's had thousands of views. He gets advertising revenue off it.'
'Advertising revenue! That's munny talk Tuppence, and munny talk is dirty talk. Which we never indulge in.'
'In which we never indulge Uncle Tuppy.'
'Correct. I know times are tough but we won't stoop to munny-making. Thieving is the way forward Tuppence. And tonight's the night. Fetch the balaclavas and the night vision goggles. I'll stoke the fire up so people will think we're in. '
'You're on your own Uncle. I refuse to join in with your selfish, individualistic and frankly criminal behaviour. It's not just us that needs stuff. It's the old. The sick. The vulnerable. And by the way - since I started going out with Alexa, I've started wiping my bottom. With toilet paper. So there.'
'I'M old sick and vulnerable, and as long as there's breath in my body I'll go out on the rob and sod anyone else except me and Geoffrey. You wipe your bottom as much as you like Tuppence. I've got better things to do.'
next time - Tuppence makes a charity single
