Reader kweschunnare no. seven

Here we have reader kweschunnare number seven - this one's from my good friend Axle (real name Aloysius St. John von ...well you know the rest). Because he's one of my closest friends I've allowed him the liberty of getting the kweschuns in the rong order, AND "going on at extreme length". Also, he was good enough to provide a number of his own good photographs of St Kilda which I've blogged a couple of times (click on "St Kilda link" under this post), and, I forgot his birthday this week.......deep shame. Axle also knows more about Coronation Street than anyone I've ever encountered. "Insanely comprehensive knowledge" and "obsessive fan" spring to mind. Pat Phoenix is his all-time favourite, I think.

Anyways, heeeeeeere we go again. As usual, all comments in italics are my own.

1. Fave time of day? No specific time but any day that ends in "off" or starts with "holi"! but I do love watching a beautiful sunset or rise.

2. Fave smell? Definitely NOT Pseudomonas Pyogenes! (yeah - I didn't ask what WASN'T - oh never mind!!) Hope I've remembered the term correctly!! when I was a student nurse (oh my god...) an old woman had a large gangrenous bedsore which was basically a hole, which had become infected by the aforementioned. The smell is something I'll never forget! absolutely horrendous! (thanks for sharing Axle) Smells that I really like are tobacco and pipes, coffee (even though I have never smoked and rarely drink coffee), bread in the oven, autumn bonfires, and not sure if I love the smell but "have to" smell the pages of new magazines and books (not every single one of them!!!) The smell of Shield soap and another one with an appley fragrance - can't remember what it was called or if they are still manufactured remind me of when I stayed in a nurses' home in the summer of 1980.

3. Fave film and or film star. I don't actually watch a lot of films but pretty much enjoy anything with Bette Davis or Katharine Hepburn in. Others are Schindler's List, Sound of Music, Shawshank Redemption, Shirley Valentine and The Deerhunter. Also love the British kitchen sink dramas of the 1960s, such as the likes of A Taste of Honey, Saturday Night Sunday Morning, A Kind of Loving, Spring and Port Wine etc.. Very much like films about historical events, especially within last 150 years. Having said that, I'm not a fan of most WW2 films or Westerns.

4. Fave footwear IN LESS THAN TEN WORDS. Not sure about this one; I mostly wear trainers and have a pair of walking boots (16 words so far...) that I really like. When I was about thirteen, I had a pair of platform boots that I thought were "great" - black "wetlook" with purple "platforms - it was the seventies and purple and plum seemed to be very much "in"! Totally forgot this was supposed to be under ten words!! (....................)

5. Fave music? I have a very wide taste in music - it depends on the mood. Not a huge modern jazz, heavy metal or reggae fan, although I like a lot of the classics of these styles. Some acts/singers I really like: Abba, Annie Lennox, Aretha Franklin, Adele, Alicia Keys, Andy Williams, Anita Baker, Antony and the Johnsons - so anything beginning with "A" then!! Will that include AEM (sorry - REM??!!!) I like a lot of songs purely for nostalgic reasons even if not particularly great songs, or they might just be good to dance to (very fond of disco) and I have to add that I'm PROUD to admit no DECLARE my love for Eurovision!!

6. Fave food? Some (Kate!!) might expect this to be fishfingers as this is the highest extent of my culinary skills, but I do love a good meal even if it sadly has to be cooked by someone else. On the menu at my work I think my favourite is Chicken Chasseur. I love a roast dinner and puddings such as rice, semolina, tapioca and custard (I never knew this??? I feel a bit sick...) Really like fish or chicken and chips. Also really like parsnips and Pink Lady Apples.

7. Fave book/writer I don't read much fiction or have a favourite author but I enjoy biographies and books on social history. As a child I loved Enid Blyton, especially one called Shadow the Sheepdog.

8. Have all of the above ever converged? Doubt it but probably a lovely thought till the briefest waft of Psuedomonas ruins everything!

9. What kweschun would you like to ask yourself? Why have I forgone Question Time to do this, and why do I keep in such close and regular contact with Kate?

10. Bowels in, or bowels out? Not partial to a prolapse thank you very much! though "contents" always "out"!!

Phew!! thanks Axle - very enlightening. I knew most of that lot, but not all. Thanks very much for doing it - and for being a really great friend over thirty years - and so sorry for forgetting your birthday. I must be losing the plot. My own answers will appear over the weekend sometime.

A reader asks...

A reader (Axle Snailbotom, if you must know) has emailed in, demanding to know where he can obtain Tincture of Mattesson weight gain micksture, super hi strenf, as mentioned in a previous blog post.
He also requests that I spell his name correctly, viz. with ONE "t".
Well Axle, the micksture is highly combustible and constitutes such a serious helf 'n' safety hazrd that it is not actually available in the shops/Speedispend - as I'm sure you knew.
However - should you care to micks your own - this is how it's done.
Take one large helping of own choice processed meat. Boil it up in a pan - NOT aluminium - with some lard and a splash of plain water - until you are left with a brown layer of sludge at the bottom. Syphon this into a glass jar or bottle, top up with methylated spirit, and cork securely. Leave for three minutes (approx) then neck it. Oh - perhaps best to open a window first.
Let us know how you get on.
(PLEASE NOTE - THIS IS NOT A REAL RECIPE - IT'S JUST A JOKE - PLEASE DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME - OR ANYWHERE ELSE)

Aloysius/Axle Snailbottom tries to frighten us - and fails

Axle Snailbottom persists in flinging abuse at us, and threatening legal action, albeit from what he assumes is a safe distance.
He might be living in la-la land but he forgets that we still have live grenades up on the roof - and a very powerful catapult. La la land is nothing to us.
Think on, Axle. Think on.

Breaking news - fish finger battle over

Well, it's over.
The Tupfinder General found some old grenades in his vitrine in the upper room - the one in the ivy-covered tower, where I found Scott's last biscuit (and ate it - oops! - see old posts if you want the full, shameful account). We sent a warning message to St John via the heliograph, and were all set to launch them from the catapult on the roof, when a reply flashed across from the Hillock.
"OKAY OKAY," it read. "NO KEECH ON FINGERS. BBQ SAUCE. PLEEZE NO FIRE GRENADES."
Well it LOOKED like keech, and it sure smelled like it. But, apparently, it's been Barbeque sauce all along. We don't know which brand as yet (not planning on getting any in the foreseeable).
So that's plan one out of the way. Now all we have to do, is work on plan two - how to prevent Tuppence murdering Baby Orca and turning him into "fish" fingers. I think I'll start by pointing out that a killer whale isn't a fish. But, I don't think that will stop him...
Large snifters all round.

The Fish-finger battle, contnd...

"This is ridiculous," said Razor Bill, ducking. "I'm only trying to deliver the post, and I'm being pelted with frozen fish fingers, covered mark you, in a noxious substance. It's hardly fair. I've got dogs and all sorts to contend with. I can do without THIS, as well."
He was quite right, of course. Steps needed to be taken. So, last night, Geoffrey and I headed round to Tupfinder Towers for a top level meeting with the Tupfinder General. After all, due to the pong, we were going to become persona non grata (even more so than normal) before too long.
"Here," said the T-G as we arrived. "Take this, for pity's sake." And he handed us a can of Febreze before quickly rushing indoors.
Obediently, we sprayed ourselves with Febreze "Caribbean Sunset" and waited for it to work.
"That's worse!" said the T-G through the letterbox. "Oh, never mind. Come in anyway. I'll just put a peg on my nose. The old ways are usually best. Mrs T-G can give the place a mop down with Zoflora once you're gone."
Once indoors, we sat round a blazing log fire, sipping glasses of brandy, mulling over the fish finger situation.
"Why bother?" said Geoffrey. "Surely the whole thing is self-limiting. After all, he's bound to run out of fingers before long."
"That's not the point," snapped the T-G. "You can't let St John get away with this. He's a newcomer to the area, and already he's throwing his weight about like he owns the place. It's completely unacceptable."
"It's not his weight I'm worried about," I said.
"I'm not surprised," said the T-G, getting up from his chair and pacing around the room. "Because let's face it - he MIGHT run out of fingers. But he's hardly going to run out of the other."
He crossed over to an oak door next to the ivy-framed leaded window. (Ivy which I shinned up, last summer - but that's another story...)
"Let's have a look in the Tower," he said, unbolting the door. "I MIGHT have something helpful in the vitrine..."

Two words St. John - Lady frigging Grange - that's all I'm saying

St John (that's Aloysius St John von Pierce Bladder to you) has upped the ante. He's rigged up a crossbow on a hillock "over yonder" and started firing frozen fish fingers at us. That would be fine - save us obtaining our own - but, they seem to be smeared with a noxious substance, which we can't quite...

"It's keech," smirked Tuppence.

"It might be brown sauce," said Geoffrey hopefully.

"Keech." repeated Tuppence smugly. "I can smell it."

"All right!" I snapped. "But you don't have to look so pleased about it. Fetch the tarpaulin Geoffrey, and shut all the windows. If they come down the chimney, we'll just have to hope they burn up fast. Get some pegs as well. For our noses."

You see? St John has been behaving outrageously. Way beyond what is acceptable Hereabouts - even after a Friday lock-in.

So we're moving quickly vis a vis our Plan.

Two words St John - St. Kilda, and Lady frigging Grange. And WE'VE got a coracle. Okay that's more than two but -

Think on.