Tuppence arrived this morning, willy nilly and without so much as a by your leave. Haven't seen him for ages - and for once, he seemed not to be armed to the teeth. Instead, he was clutching a piece of paper, which someone with "leccy" had printed off their "computer".
"Uncle Tuppy, uncle Tuppy," he shouted. "Over on Shatner's Toupee, they have suggested that "toups" or "toup-like material" could/should be used to clear up the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. I thought maybe when you get sheared next month, you could use your spare wool to mop up the overspill from the Fulmar's cesspit? everyone complains about the stench once the weather heats up - and the flies!!"
"Yes all right Tuppence. We get the picture", I said testily. I hate people mentioning my wool, and the annual shearing. It's terribly embarrassing - a personal issue, which I loathe discussing. "But what I do with my spare wool is my own business, thank you. Anyway, what are you babbling about all that for at this ungodly hour? it's not half ten yet and I'm still in my P.J.s. Wait till I put the kettle on and fire up my pipe. And by the way - where are your pistols?" (Tuppence usually has a brace of pistols stuck in his belt).
"Right here, uncle Tuppy!" he shrilled, whipping them out from somewhere around ankle level. I glanced downwards.
"Where in the name of the T-G did you get THOSE? are you wearing them for a bet?"
"One of the rats stowed away on a ship bound for the Americas, and brought them back with him when he returned," explained Tuppence proudly, twirling round to show off an enormous pair of cowboy boots. "A souvenir of his trip. I took them off him in exchange for a debt. They're real snakeskin."
"You're not money-lending again?" I said worriedly. I'd heard that Tuppence was cashing in on the credit crunch. Geoffrey and I don't use actual money, and neither do many folks Hereabouts, but Tuppence often travels to Overthere, and gets up to "Allsorts" - none of it good.
"Yes uncle Tuppy. I've been up to no good again, money lending to prisoners on the hulks (see gazetteer for details). To people who can't possibly pay me back - and I don't care! I always get my pound of flesh in the end! ha -ha-ha!!" he laughed coldly. He then proceeded to turn his back to the fireplace, close his eyes and aim the pistols over each shoulder with arms crossed.
"Not again," wailed Geoffrey, hiding under the table and covering his eyes.
"I'm afraid so," I sighed, reaching for the sal volatile.
Readers will recall that some time ago Tuppence managed to write the letter "T" above our fireplace, in bullet holes. Well, he managed it again on this occasion - and I must say his aim is excellent - specially given he had his eyes closed.
"The bullets went in exactly the same holes as last time!" we chorused.
"You fools! I was firing blanks!! can't you tell the difference? you're SO naive!" Tuppence laughed again, in an annoyingly chilling, high-pitched manner.
Suddenly the ceiling fell in and everything went dark for a while.
Showing posts with label sal volatile. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sal volatile. Show all posts
Sunday, 16 May 2010
Thursday, 5 November 2009
blimey - medical chest disaster
I don't know if it's age, the time of year, clocks going back (or is it forwards?) but I seem to have lost me thread i.e. am going what I believe psychiatrists call "doo-freakin'-lally". Quickstyle.
I reached for the sal volatile earlier today, as it usually helps at such times, but was devastated to find that the bottle which has been my saviour on so many occasions (see previous posts, if you want to know exactly HOW many occasions - but be warned - you may be some time) contained nowt but a weak, namby-pamby mixture of synthetic eucalyptus and menthol. A quick whisk through the other items in our recently re-stocked medical chest (see previous posts - recent ones this time so it shouldn't take too long) revealed a horrifying sight. No morphia. No "equipment", viz. needles and syringes. No mustard plasters. To cap it all the emergency strait jacket (sometimes required for guests) has been replaced with one made of "stretchee" lycra-mix and has velcro fastenings.
And who has so defiled our box of medical basics? the ghastly Wilson, of course! a vile little label was stuck inside the lid, informing us that previous contents constituted a red alert-style health and safety hazard, and that henceforth we would be "allowed" only junior aspirin and elastoplast, plus of course the wishy washy eucalyptus and the rubbish straitjacket. What's the point of having a straitjacket that you can get out of in a trice? we used the old one to restrain the occasional houseguest - for their own good of course, but more importantly, for our entertainment!
We suspect that Wilson has purloined the old straitjacket so that he can restrain passersby willy nilly and without a by your leave,while he fires needlesful of swine flu "untested on anything remotely sentient, but totally safe" vaccine into their unsuspecting backsides.
Fortunately, the T-G has a replacement "genuine" one, which he is prepared to lend us as we assist Titus in his efforts to "unseat" Wilson (see previous post). Hopefully we will be able to preempt his vaccination mania before too many of us lose our sanities. We expect mission to be accomplished by tomorrow tea-time at the latest. That will leave the evening free for the usual Friday lock-in at the Puff Inn.
Aaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! too late!!!!!!!!!!a large needle and syringe has just lodged itself dart-like in my behind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I reached for the sal volatile earlier today, as it usually helps at such times, but was devastated to find that the bottle which has been my saviour on so many occasions (see previous posts, if you want to know exactly HOW many occasions - but be warned - you may be some time) contained nowt but a weak, namby-pamby mixture of synthetic eucalyptus and menthol. A quick whisk through the other items in our recently re-stocked medical chest (see previous posts - recent ones this time so it shouldn't take too long) revealed a horrifying sight. No morphia. No "equipment", viz. needles and syringes. No mustard plasters. To cap it all the emergency strait jacket (sometimes required for guests) has been replaced with one made of "stretchee" lycra-mix and has velcro fastenings.
And who has so defiled our box of medical basics? the ghastly Wilson, of course! a vile little label was stuck inside the lid, informing us that previous contents constituted a red alert-style health and safety hazard, and that henceforth we would be "allowed" only junior aspirin and elastoplast, plus of course the wishy washy eucalyptus and the rubbish straitjacket. What's the point of having a straitjacket that you can get out of in a trice? we used the old one to restrain the occasional houseguest - for their own good of course, but more importantly, for our entertainment!
We suspect that Wilson has purloined the old straitjacket so that he can restrain passersby willy nilly and without a by your leave,while he fires needlesful of swine flu "untested on anything remotely sentient, but totally safe" vaccine into their unsuspecting backsides.
Fortunately, the T-G has a replacement "genuine" one, which he is prepared to lend us as we assist Titus in his efforts to "unseat" Wilson (see previous post). Hopefully we will be able to preempt his vaccination mania before too many of us lose our sanities. We expect mission to be accomplished by tomorrow tea-time at the latest. That will leave the evening free for the usual Friday lock-in at the Puff Inn.
Aaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! too late!!!!!!!!!!a large needle and syringe has just lodged itself dart-like in my behind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, 16 June 2009
phew - a near death experience
Well, here I am, back at the outcrop - and I couldn't be more relieved. There was I, breathing my last, the strength draining out of my exhausted limbs, when Geoffrey appeared as I knew he would - sculling along in the coracle. I was alarmed to see that Tuppence was with him - as readers will know, Tuppence went right off the rails after his ghastly prog rock phase. But I needn't have worried.
"Grab an oar uncle Tuppy," he piped, and in a trice I was hauled on board and a flask of brandy was at my lips - but it was too late for brandy - I fell into a deep swoon - the last words I heard were,"Oh-oh - we're losing him - fetch the medical case, Geoffrey," as Tuppence snapped into his "officer in charge" mode.
I awoke to find Tuppence's concerned eyes peering anxiously into mine. "I think the adrenalin's working, Geoffrey. You can stop pumping now. Fetch the sal volatile, will you?"
Pumping? Indeed, I could feel the steady rhythm of Geoffrey's webbed feet beating out a one-two-one-two directly over my heart. Next, he snapped open a vial of sal volatile and waved it under my nose. I felt like my old self in no time at all, after that.
Later on, we sat by a roaring driftwood fire at the Outcrop, slippers on, enjoying a glass or two of madeira, a pipeful of Black Bogey and a bowl of savoury bacon flavour snax, and I was so glad to be home once more and among friends. Tuppence apologised for his past - quite frankly vile - behaviour, and I agreed to let bygones be bygones - for now anyway...
Word had also arrived, while I was "away", from Mr Spockfingers - he sent a photo of himself enjoying life on his health farm.
Thursday, 15 January 2009
we decide to remove Death
Geoffrey and I have decided to play the grim reaper at his own game: we're going to remove him - or she, or it. How to do it? well, of course we discussed murder - a pretty radical solution, because as we all know, or most of us anyway, murder isn't pleasant, or even justifiable, usually, but there's a moral argument here, viz. an eye for an eye. Or a life for many lives, in Mr. G. "thinks he can get away with anything" Reaper's case. Better by far to kill one, and save many.
That's what we concluded after a nightlong discussion. A dilemma which hasn't been resolved quite so tidily is the use of the word "kill". It isn't, well, very nice. It's a bit kind of in your face. A bit of a bald statement. The word "murder" is little better. We hit upon "remove" as a temporary fix - but really, it won't do either, as we don't want to remove him/she/it. Remove implies removal, or shifting, to somewhere else, and we want to get rid of him/she/it altogether.
Anyway, it'll have to do meantime.
So, to the actual nuts and bolts of removal. How to "remove" the Grim Reaper? well, we've seen many a resident from Hereabouts "going over the top" (see previous posts), but we didn't think that would suffice for the Reaper. We defo. wouldn't want to to see him clambering back up over the cliff edge again, probably in a foul temper, and therefore felt that a more stringent solution would be required.
After a badly needed whiff of sal volatile at 5.15am., we had a joint brainwave, viz. capturing him/she/it, possibly in a tungsten net, and "removing" him/she/it via a revamped TTD (time travelling device - see previous posts from ages ago - Tuppence made one from old luncheon meat and korn bif cans)
The only thing is, we're not sure we can lay our hands upon the blueprints for the old TTD, so we might have to track down Tuppence and see if we can bring him on board. But he's so young that he probably isn't bothered one way or t'other about the old G.R. and his constantly whizzing scythe.
That's what we concluded after a nightlong discussion. A dilemma which hasn't been resolved quite so tidily is the use of the word "kill". It isn't, well, very nice. It's a bit kind of in your face. A bit of a bald statement. The word "murder" is little better. We hit upon "remove" as a temporary fix - but really, it won't do either, as we don't want to remove him/she/it. Remove implies removal, or shifting, to somewhere else, and we want to get rid of him/she/it altogether.
Anyway, it'll have to do meantime.
So, to the actual nuts and bolts of removal. How to "remove" the Grim Reaper? well, we've seen many a resident from Hereabouts "going over the top" (see previous posts), but we didn't think that would suffice for the Reaper. We defo. wouldn't want to to see him clambering back up over the cliff edge again, probably in a foul temper, and therefore felt that a more stringent solution would be required.
After a badly needed whiff of sal volatile at 5.15am., we had a joint brainwave, viz. capturing him/she/it, possibly in a tungsten net, and "removing" him/she/it via a revamped TTD (time travelling device - see previous posts from ages ago - Tuppence made one from old luncheon meat and korn bif cans)
The only thing is, we're not sure we can lay our hands upon the blueprints for the old TTD, so we might have to track down Tuppence and see if we can bring him on board. But he's so young that he probably isn't bothered one way or t'other about the old G.R. and his constantly whizzing scythe.
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