'Is that the kettle I hear whistling or is it the sibilant campaign at the door again?'
'It's the sibilant campaign. Should I tell them that we're ambi-franchised?'
'Yes. Tell them we're sure that we're swinging both ways. They can rely on us to do whatever they say. Get them to come back next week, when it's all over, and we'll give them a game of cribbage and a custard cream.'
'Okay doke.'
Geoffrey was at 'DebSoc' last night. Again. He's been there every night for the last three weeks, and he's all clued up about the Snottish Referenernernerdernerndernnernernernernemum. And so am I. It's all a bit much now.
'I'm bored out of my mind hearing about the Snottish Referenernerndernerndernernernernnemum!' I snarled, when Geoffrey came back into the livingroom.
'I know how you feel, but it's imPORTant Tuppy,' he replied. Besides, it'll all be over soon. One way or another. Have you decided which way you're going to vote yet?'
'I'm not going to vote at all. I'm lying on the settee all day with a pint of Madeira, three opium tabloids, a multi-pack of square crisps and Michael Palin's Diaries. I'm not even getting up to go to the toilet.'
'You're a disgrace.'
'It's part twenty seven of my fifty stage plan to become the world's fattest and laziest person. Don't tell me I have no purpose in life.'
'I didn't!'
'Anyway, it doesn't matter to me who's in charge. Life goes on - until it doesn't. And there's nothing any of us can do about it.'
'Don't you want to get the government you vote for then?'
'No. There's nobody I want to vote for. They're all shit.'
'When you resort to foul language Tuppy, you've really lost the argument.'
'Bollocks.'
'Is that the best you can do?'
'Fuckwit. Put the kettle on and make me a bacon sandwich.'
'What did your last slave die of?'
'Don't get stroppy with me! I've got a dicky heart. I need to be indulged at all times.'
'All right. But really Tuppy, you're language is...'
'I know. I'll try to stop swearing but it seems to be beyond my fu- sorry - my control. Shit-bum.'
What was happening to me? Tourettes syndrome, perhaps?
You may or may not remember that about a month ago I swore at little Chelsy, the Fulmar's three year old niece, who is currently staying with them. I was worried that she might tell Uncle Apsley and Aunt Cherry about my over-reaction and my awful language and that ghastly revenge would be wrought, but so far so good. Chelsy has kept her mouth shut. This might be because I've been providing her with a constant supply of Froobs, but I'm not sure.
'I like you Uncle Tuppy! You're my betht fwend evva! get me more Fwoobth!'
'That child will get sugar diabetes, Tuppy,' warned the Ghastly Wilson. 'You mark my words.'
Nobody Hereabouts has ever marked his words and nobody seems any the worse, so I'm sure Chelsy will be fine.
Anyway - I am planning to spend most of tomorrow on the settee with a bag over my head (one with plenty holes in), but late in the night we're going to go over the the Fulmars' for a 'Refernerdnernernernedernenernernernernernernemum party, to watch the results coming in on their 97 inch curved screen 3D TV. They haven't invited us but we're going anyway.
And at dawn, Dave and Valerie Nark are planning to light bonfires to celebrate the bright new dawn of a bright new Snotland.
After that, I expect that we'll stagger home and have a bacon sandwich.
Find my Sea Penguin e-books here http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sea-Penguin-Fireside-Outcrop-Selections-ebook/dp/B007IKMM7E/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1410973253&sr=8-1&keywords=sea+penguin+part+three
'It's the sibilant campaign. Should I tell them that we're ambi-franchised?'
'Yes. Tell them we're sure that we're swinging both ways. They can rely on us to do whatever they say. Get them to come back next week, when it's all over, and we'll give them a game of cribbage and a custard cream.'
'Okay doke.'
Geoffrey was at 'DebSoc' last night. Again. He's been there every night for the last three weeks, and he's all clued up about the Snottish Referenernernerdernerndernnernernernernemum. And so am I. It's all a bit much now.
'I'm bored out of my mind hearing about the Snottish Referenernerndernerndernernernernnemum!' I snarled, when Geoffrey came back into the livingroom.
'I know how you feel, but it's imPORTant Tuppy,' he replied. Besides, it'll all be over soon. One way or another. Have you decided which way you're going to vote yet?'
'I'm not going to vote at all. I'm lying on the settee all day with a pint of Madeira, three opium tabloids, a multi-pack of square crisps and Michael Palin's Diaries. I'm not even getting up to go to the toilet.'
'You're a disgrace.'
'It's part twenty seven of my fifty stage plan to become the world's fattest and laziest person. Don't tell me I have no purpose in life.'
'I didn't!'
'Anyway, it doesn't matter to me who's in charge. Life goes on - until it doesn't. And there's nothing any of us can do about it.'
'Don't you want to get the government you vote for then?'
'No. There's nobody I want to vote for. They're all shit.'
'When you resort to foul language Tuppy, you've really lost the argument.'
'Bollocks.'
'Is that the best you can do?'
'Fuckwit. Put the kettle on and make me a bacon sandwich.'
'What did your last slave die of?'
'Don't get stroppy with me! I've got a dicky heart. I need to be indulged at all times.'
'All right. But really Tuppy, you're language is...'
'I know. I'll try to stop swearing but it seems to be beyond my fu- sorry - my control. Shit-bum.'
What was happening to me? Tourettes syndrome, perhaps?
You may or may not remember that about a month ago I swore at little Chelsy, the Fulmar's three year old niece, who is currently staying with them. I was worried that she might tell Uncle Apsley and Aunt Cherry about my over-reaction and my awful language and that ghastly revenge would be wrought, but so far so good. Chelsy has kept her mouth shut. This might be because I've been providing her with a constant supply of Froobs, but I'm not sure.
'I like you Uncle Tuppy! You're my betht fwend evva! get me more Fwoobth!'
'That child will get sugar diabetes, Tuppy,' warned the Ghastly Wilson. 'You mark my words.'
Nobody Hereabouts has ever marked his words and nobody seems any the worse, so I'm sure Chelsy will be fine.
Anyway - I am planning to spend most of tomorrow on the settee with a bag over my head (one with plenty holes in), but late in the night we're going to go over the the Fulmars' for a 'Refernerdnernernernedernenernernernernernernemum party, to watch the results coming in on their 97 inch curved screen 3D TV. They haven't invited us but we're going anyway.
And at dawn, Dave and Valerie Nark are planning to light bonfires to celebrate the bright new dawn of a bright new Snotland.
Find my Sea Penguin e-books here http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sea-Penguin-Fireside-Outcrop-Selections-ebook/dp/B007IKMM7E/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1410973253&sr=8-1&keywords=sea+penguin+part+three
