'Nobody wants to know about the Canterbury school of prog Tuppence. It's like from the dark ages,' said Val Nark, shaking the dregs of a goji berry and chia seed smoothie on to an 'own-made' gravel flapjack. 'You don't seem to realise your terrible taste in music is why your band-mates abandoned you. Well, partly, anyway. I'm sure your awful personality and penchant for random shootings didn't help. Life moves on. You need to up your game.'
'Oh really. Any ideas?'
'Maybe move into the 90s or something. What about doing some covers of the Verve or the Stone Roses?'
'I thought maybe Simple Minds?'
'The Minds were shit!' spluttered Val. Shards of gravel flapjack ricocheted off the window of Val's eco-cafe. 'For pity's sake. They were the 1980s anyway. Which was all totally shit. You really have no musical knowledge whatsoever.'
'They were indeed shit,' said Dave, as he fried a plant-based burger on the compressed-wood-dust-fired stove. 'And I should know. I was their first drummer, till I left through mutual agreement. Just before they got their recording contract.'
'You got fired then.'
'No. It was through mutual agreement, like I said. They said I was great but just not a good fit for them at that time. I'd be better off moving on and looking for something else that showed my talents off to the full.'
'Fired.'
'No. They said they didn't actually need a drummer at that time and I'd only be bored with nothing to do.'
'Fired.'
'No. They said I was perfect for the band and a great drummer, only not right now with them kind of thing. It was all good, I was fine with it. I was totally thrilled for them when they started having massive chart success. Ow!' Dave burned his fingers flipping the burger and adding a slice of vegan cheese-style topping. 'Shit. That's the finger I use to press 'record' when I'm doing my wildlife vids.'
'Let's face it they were a shower of bastards Dave,' said Val briskly. 'Dark days. But we moved on, didn't we? We coped. We thrived! I picked you up out of the gutter, and forced you to face the world again. And here we are! Living the good life on a croft-style place in Scotland, renting out yurts and selling eco-goods and putting wildlife vids online and stuff. If Jim Kerr ever turns up, he'll get the doing of his life.'
Next time - Jim Kerr turns up and gets the doing of his life
