'We're going to drive new traffic to our yurt business by making it a dobbing in centre for hate crimes. So Val says. She says anyone promoting hate deserves everything they get and she's prepared to catch them herself, lock them into her therapy yurt and chain them to the massage table till the coppers arrive. She's even bought a hi-viz jacket and a cattle prod. But I don't feel right about it,' said Dave. 'I don't want to grass anyone up. When I was in the sweat cottage recently I...'
'Indeed,' said the T-G, 'It has the potential to be catastrophic in terms of local community cohesion. Neighbour pitted against neighbour and so forth.'
'Val says it's great publicity for our business. It'll make us seem current. She says we need to move with the times and diversify. She's making a sign for it right now from locally-foraged shells and sea glass with 'HATE CRIME REPORTING CENTRE' on it in seaweed fronds. And she's made nettle scones with H A T E on the top. People can buy a set of four and have HATE nestled right there in an eco-cellophaned nettle-fibre refillable basket. They can then literally consume HATE and expel it via the customary orifice, thereby destroying it. She's also going to throw in two for one Brazilian butt lifts for anyone reporting a hate crime cos she's just completed an online course in how to do the liquid injection ones. I get what she means but I just don't feel comfortable.' Dave fiddled anxiously with a fingerless glove. 'Especially with an open-ended concept-style thing like hate. It's not a word I even like to say to be honest. It's kind of strong. You know when I was in the sweat cottage recently I...'
'What is a hate crime?' I interrupted.
'Not sure,' said Dave. 'But when I was in the sweat cottage recently I...'
'It sounds like something best not to get involved with,' said the T-G loudly, poking at a pot hole with his sword stick. We were out for a walk by the tourist car park, assessing the local infrastructure in view of his plans to open Tupfinder Towers to the public. 'In my experience as the local magistrate-style person-in-charge type thing, evidence, proof, impartiality and a sound knowledge of how the law applies are crucial when administering justice. This rubbish sounds like it was made up on the back of a fag packet.'
'I couldn't agree more,' I said, my voice fading and echoing as I fell into a super-deep pothole.
'As I was saying, when I was in the sweat cottage recently I...'
'Da-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ve....He-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-lp me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-eeeeeeeeeeee.'
next time - Dave finally manages to tell us what exactly occurred in the sweat cottage, and Val remains determined to forge ahead with her plans.
** for readers outwith Scotland, who may be puzzled by the above - we have a new Hate Crime law here. Hate crimes can now be reported at specially designated hate crime reporting centres, including a mushroom farm and a sex shop. I'm not making this up.
Dodgy Brazilian butt lifts have also been in the news.
What a strange world we live in...
