Keep Going until you Can't

 

'Keep going until you can't,' said the T-G, pausing by the open flap door of Val Nark's Holistic Vaxing Yurt to pack some Black Bogey into his Meerschaum pipe (with its bowl fashioned into the shape of the Transantarctic Mountains).  'That's my motto these days, Santa.  For what it's worth.  Which is probably quite a bit, coming from me.  Why do yourself down - that's another of my mottos.'   And he gave a wink and a thumbs up as he moved on.

Santa was 'proning' on Val Nark's portable massage table with five 'hot stones' on his back.  His red jacket and hat lay folded on a yoga mat on the floor beside him.   Val's ear candling kit sat tidily on a low stool, ready for use.  A sixth 'hot stone' - a large chunk of granite, salvaged from a ruined croft up on the moors - sat sizzling on top of the log burner in the centre of the yurt.

'Thanks,' he replied stoically. 'Unfortunately I think I've reached the 'can't' part.'

'How are we getting on Santa?' Val bustled in. 'Ready for your ear candling?  Oh - I think you could manage another hot stone on that dodgy 13th lumbar vertebra.  Here you go!'

Val reached over to the log burner and picked up the stone with a large pair of iron tongs.  'It's been on there all day -  must be super hot.'  She dropped it quickly on Santa's lower back.  'Which is the whole point and I'm sure it'll do you a power of good.  Take the pain and always be positive!  That's my motto!'

'OWYA BANDIT!' Santa bellowed, as the burning stone made contact.  The massage table buckled in the middle at its vulnerable folding point, depositing Santa in a red and white heap on the floor on top of six hot stones and the ear candling kit.  

He pulled a Sharpie out from behind his ear and wrote on the back of his hand 

KEEP GOING UNTIL YOU CAN'T

WHY DO YOURSELF DOWN

TAKE THE PAIN AND ALWAYS BE POSITIVE

Next time - Santa returns to the North Pole/Greenland/somewhere cold and nurses himself back to health, ready for next Christmas

Bald Santa

 'How do you know which one's the real Santa?' asked Geoffrey.

We were all - all being me,  Geoffrey, Alexa, Dave Nark, and the T-G - in Speedispend car park.  Right next to a flashing sign in the shape of a large finger indicating Santa's Grotto was THIS WAY, an empty trolley bay, a rusting coin-operated kiddies' Postman Pat ride and the disabled parking spaces.  Someone in an elf hat and a hi-viz jacket leaned against the wall at the far end of the building in a sickly cloud of cranberry-scented vape smoke.  Customers pushed past us whey-faced with half-empty trolleys and dead eyes.  Crumpled receipts and shopping lists blew around the car park in the mud.  It was neither sharply, healthily cold nor pleasantly mild, merely nasty.

The Grotto consisted of a fenced-off area indoors next to the customer service area and the photo booth.  Two Santas stood forlornly by a chair wrapped in white cloth and a strand of threadbare tinsel.  A third Santa pushed past us, hatless, revealing a shiny bald head with a tattoo of Mel Gibson in 'Braveheart' at the back.  'Jesus Christ,' he snarled,  ripping off his red jacket and throwing it into the back of a 2009 red Citroen Berlingo parked in the disabled bay.  'Thank fuck that's over.  And aye -  UM ARE disabled by the way.   No all disabilities are visible, so fuck aff or ah'll get yeez done for a hate crime.'

'That can't be the real one,' said Alexa. 'Santa isn't bald.  I don't think he's from Scotland.  And I think he's probably nicer than that.'

'How do you know?' I asked.  

'What does UM ARE mean?' asked Dave.

'I think we should just go home,' said Geoffrey. 'I don't like the Real World.'

'No no.  Hang fire,  Geoffrey.  Hang fire.  Excuse me Sir,' asked the T-G, approaching the bald Santa, who was waiting for the Berlingo 'heat rods' to warm up sufficiently for the engine to start.  'Might I enquire as to whether you are in fact, the real Santa Claus?'

Bald Santa glared at him as the engine finally coughed into life.   He raised his middle finger, wrenched the Berlingo into reverse and roared off in a cloud of diesel fumes.

'Oh dear.  Our search continues,' murmured the T-G.  

Later - we discuss our nasty day over warming mugs of Bovril and vodka by a roaring driftwood fire - upshot being that we pretty much needn't have bothered.  And Tuppence arrives with a mysterious visitor...

'

Putting the Grot into Grotto

'Shall we get Dave a Christmas stocking?' asked Alexa.

'Oh why not get him two,' sneered Tuppence, who was not 'on board' with the whole giving-Dave-his-best-Christmas-ever deal.  'Might as well get him a pair.  And while you're at it, has he written his letter to Santa yet?'

'There's no need for that attitude,' snapped Geoffrey.  'We intend to embody the whole Christmas spirit this year.  We want to do it right and we've no time for cheap sarcasm from the likes of you Tuppence.'

'When did you find out that Santa wasn't real Tuppence?' asked Alexa wistfully. 'I remember being very upset and feeling sort of betrayed by my parents.  Like they'd been lying to me and I wasn't sure I could trust them any more.  But I got over it I suppose.'

'The Santa myth is the first betrayal,' intoned the Tupfinder General, tapping his swordstick briskly on the fender and sending a shower of sparks up the chimney. 'The first of many, for some.  Or the first of some, for many.  In any event, it isn't good.'

The T-G had stopped by to hand in some black sausage rolls and a jar of pickled worms, an early Yuletide gift from his wife.

'Santa has got nothing to do with Christmas,' said Tuppence. 'That's if you mean Christmas in the Christian or even pre-Christian sense, as we all should.  He's a coca cola guzzling, materialistic, obese, subjectively judgmental old man with an awful taste in clothes.  He's probably a pre-vert as well.'

'You're talking as if you really believe that Santa exists Tuppence.  As if there's only one of them.  Whereas you can find Santas all over the shop.  Literally.  Unemployed people dressed up.  Just look at the grotto in Speedispend.  They have about five Santas, all working shifts.'  said Geoffrey.

'For minimum wage,' said Alexa, 'and zero hour contracts.  If not enough kids turn up the Santas get sent home.'  

'I don't mean them,' growled Tuppence.  'I mean the REAL Santa.  Of course he exists.  I've met him, and he's even worse than I said.  If you're interested,  I can arrange for you to meet him as well.  Though you might regret it...'

Next time - Tuppence arranges a 'meet' with Santa, and everyone regrets it...