Yuletide cheer (not)

How wrong can you get it? very considerably, actually. The puffa jacket-wearing hordes were indeed our neighbours, bearing gifts. Gifts of BOGOF puffa jackets, I'm guessing - though I can't say for sure, as I'm not allowed to open my parcel till Christmas Day - or "Yule Morn" as we call it Hereabouts. Geoffrey has rigged up an electric fence style enclosure, in which our garishly packaged gifts sit side by side like a right pair of lemons. Or should I say, satsumas, pointlessly studded with cloves, to resemble something akin to Desperate Dan's testicles? not that we ever eat "fruit" (as I believe it's called?), but from leaflets stuffed through our letterbox relentlessly and without so much as a by your leave, we DO know that it exists and is important to some, as part of a so-called balanced diet.
Hark! I hear a rumbling noise, and it's getting louder and louder (yes, it IS my stomach - I feel a Lorne and brown sauce roll coming on) but there's something else as well.....
a blazing Yule log is rolling down the hill - and it's heading for...AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

solstice seige

"Quick Geoffrey! pile more stuff on the fire!" I urged, as the chanting hordes drew ever nearer. Yes, they were back, attired in their cowled robe-style things, padding closer and closer in that relentless manner that sinister cowled figures always have.
Just as Geoffrey was about to smash up my chair for firewood (we'd long since run out of driftwood), a tall horseman in a pointy black hat charged through the hordes, scattering them to the four winds. "Begone!" he shouted, brandishing a blazing torch. And they were.
Who was this brave horseman? none other than the Tupfinder General, of course, mounted on Titus.
Soon we were ushering them into comfy chairs by the fire and pouring them mugfuls of madeira (watered down a bit, of course - visitors are all very well but we don't want to leave ourselves short). Both declined a whiff of sal volatile, by the way. All the more for us.
"Who were those cowled hordes?" I quavered. "Minions, sent from the bowels of hell?"
"If you'd taken time to look, instead of panicking, Tuppy, you'd have seen that the so-called cowled hordes were merely your neighbours, out a-wassailing, dressed up in identical hooded puffa coats - which happen to be on special at Speedispend. They're BOGOFs. We've all got one. Look!"
And he whipped open his black cape to reveal exactly that.
"I don't put the hood up, because of my hat," he added, patting said pointy item. "And speaking of bowels of hell - where's that bowel cancer testing kit? throw another chair on the fire and let's all have a go!"

moaning and chanting hordes surround the Outcrop

Well it's almost the Solstice and so far so good. One benefit of the cold snap is that everyone's staying indoors for now - and for the foreseeable, going by the forecast. So, we haven't had the chanting, cowl-wearing, hordes pacing around impatiently outside the Outcrop, awaiting my appearance so's they can seize me and fling me willy nilly and without so much as a by my leave, Over the Top - unlike last year. Phew!!
Cheery item in the post today - a Speedispend free sample-style bowel cancer testing kit!!! what fun we'll have over the Festive, testing one another's stools for occult blood...speaking of which, there's just been a lull in the howling blizzard outside and I think I hear some moaning and chanting...

solstice terror approaches

After our traumatic attempt to reach Cuba (we ended up on the tinsel-infested gallows outside Speedispend, instead - see previous posts) and our dramatic albeit involuntary rescue by Spockfingers, Geoffrey and I crept back to the Outcrop under cover of darkness.
Why under cover of darkness, you ask? well, the days are so short now we'd little choice in the matter. It gets dark about half past one.
Besides, readers will remember (or perhaps not) that the Solstice is celebrated, or "marked" Hereabouts in Very Special Way. viz., there is a poll, and the person voted "least popular" is thrown willy nilly and without so much as a by your leave, Over the Top. Last year it was yours truly, 'cept being a highly resourceful type I managed to escape. This year, I might not be so lucky, so best to lie low for a while...

we escape!

Geoffrey just had a brainwave. He began to sing, softly at first, James Grant's Winter, and I joined in. We began to sing more and more loudly. As our voices reached a crescendo, the checkout operator's jaw dropped in amazement as all of a sudden, Spockfingers charged full pelt and singing at the top of his lungs, out of the Speedispend entrance and barged into the gallows, demolishing it completely. We ripped the bags from our heads, flung the nooses aside, jumped on Spockfingers back and galloped off into the gathering dusk...

on the gallows

Geoffrey and I are in a terrible state. Strung up on a gallows, to be precise, with sacks over our heads, awaiting execution. (how am I managing to write this then? don't ask.)
Why are we on the scaffold? well, when we finally reached the checkout, the assistant or "attendant" demanded, "Gorra Kloobkahd?" alternating with "Gorra Kashkahd?", to which we rather naively replied "no".
The assistant then bellowed into her tannoy, "Security to checkout 16,000000 please!" and we were whisked outside, via a side entrance, to aforementioned gallows - which are, by the way, festooned with twinkling fairy lights. Someone in a blue and red chequered uniform and wearing a Santa hat dangled tinsel-bedecked nooses in front of us and said "sign up for Kash n 'Kloobkahd's now, or else!"
What can we do?

extraordinary rendition (of a song, not us)

"TRA LA LA LA, TRALALA LALA WINTE-E-E-R..." Yes, it's Spockfingers. We've been in the Speedispend queue for, er, about 24 hours now and we've barely moved an inch. To make matters worse, Spockfingers turned up with a massive trolley and an iPod, and barged along the aisles singing along to James Grant's Winter. Seasonal, I'll give him that. And it's not that Geoffrey and I don't like the song - it's Spockfingers rendition that is, well, "extraordinary". Whip him off to Cuba via Prestwick, and leave him there, somebody, please.

"plastic" surgery

Well, we escaped from the whirlpool - only to be sucked up by the Speedispend vortex and whisked off to the Hypermarket and compulsory health screening centre, where we were coldly informed that we are both "morbidly obese"!
After that riveting bit of info., which is hardly news to either of us, we were whisked up in the air again and dumped at the end of a very long checkout queue, behind a massive trolley-load of groceries which, we explained to the faceless customer service assistant, we have no means of paying for.
"Sign for Kashkard!" it intoned in a grating metallic voice, as it handed us both a form with print so tiny we could barely see it never mind read it. "Sign for Kashkard!"

two passing minke whales discuss actors and films

Geoffrey and I were caught in a whirlpool for a few hours, and as we strove to escape, we overheard two minke whales discussing their favourite actors.
Number one, they agreed, had to be William Shatner, swiftly followed by Brian Dennehy. Reason being - it doesn't matter which parts they play, or what film or show they're in, they're always the same. "We lo-o-o-o-o-ve them", they sang to each other.
The result of that discussion being a foregone conclusion, they moved on to discuss films. One couldn't abide films set in Africa or South America, whereas t'other declared himself a big fan of The Wild Geese, starring, as we all know only too well I'm afraid, a host of fab actors such as Richard Burton, Roger Moore and Richard Harris (mind you, I have to admit that his specs in The Wild Geese are, as and in themselves, worth watching.) And what about Gold! again starring Roger Moore? Brill, they both finally decided.
Whales' worst film of all time - The Cassandra Crossing (starring Richard Harris).
Favourite line of all time? "Broadsword calling Danny Boy. This is Broadsword calling Danny Boy. Come in Danny Boy."

the debt-bringer

Blimey we've had a strange few days. As soon as Geoffrey finished waterproofing and "caulking" (as I believe those familiar with such goings on call it) the coracle, we put on our wellies and sou' westers and set off in a dreadful storm the other afternoon, just as sun was setting.
Rather than boringly pushing off from the rocks in the Bay below, as we normally would, we decided to try a new, exciting type of launch. We enlisted help from our neighbours, the T-G and Apsley and Cherry. Then Geoffrey and I sat in the coracle and waited for a suitably powerful gust of wind; when one arrived, our helpers pushed us in a windward direction, i.e. Over The Top - and off we flew, sailing out and over the Bay, carried by the storm in the general direction of Over There.
Anyway - we were heading for Cuba, so we were hoping that the wind would carry us in a westerly direction, for some considerable distance. If that occurred, and with any luck, we reckoned we'd definitely overshoot Over There, thus avoiding all the concomitent ghastlinesses such as the Speedispend Hypermarket and compulsory health screening centre, and so forth. But as it happened the wind shifted direction and forced us northwards. We now find ourselves just to the north west of Over There, and on course for Greenland rather than Cuba. Oh dear. To make matters worse, we seem to be just within range of the Speedispend magnet-style Xmas shopping victim detector and grab radar, (known as "the debt-bringer")so we are having to scull for our lives just to stay in the same place - if we give up for a second, we'll be sucked into the terrible vortex that is Speedispend. We can even hear the tinny blare of Xmas carols and pop tunes being played incessantly like some sort of ghastly medieval noise torture...
"Keep sculling, Geoffrey! for pity's sake keep sculling!"

Cuban Heels

Geoffrey and I are heading for Cuba. Anything to get away from this cold, wet, germ-ridden hell-hole. (And that's just our livingroom by the way.)
Yes, the long winter evenings are proving even more of a trial than usual this year, so we're off to the land of cigars and sunshine.
We'll have to use the coracle, of course, as we have to cross the Atlantic in order to get there. However, that's nothing to the likes of us. We'll head off on a cloudless, starry night, and set our course by the Dog Star. (is that the right one? don't suppose it matters much.) Geoffrey's been busy waterproofing with a tin of black gluey tar-like stuff, and we've strapped a length of Willesden canvas over some withy wands to form a cabin-type structure, so I'm sure we'll be fine.
I'm writing a list of comestibles at the moment. Geoffrey's developed a bizarre liking for honey sandwiches, so I dare say we'll have to find room for a few of those. As for me, I'm happy with handy, portable items such as tins and packets.
We'll take the old soup ladle so we can bail if need be, but the coracle's very robust and I hardly think we'll have any trouble...

boredom

Geoffrey and I are still recovering from the dreaded lurgy. We're not sure if we've had "swine-style flu", or just bog-standard, or just "bad colds". Either way, we've barely moved from the fireside for about a week. But we must be getting better because we've started to get bored. Readers will know that we don't have a telly or even a wireless. We do know about these things, and how people fill their time staring at other people capering around in little boxes blaring away in a corner of the room - or as Apsley and Cherry have theirs, nailed foursquare to the wall. But we can't enjoy such pleasures as we don't have leccy.
No. We have to entertain ourselves, the old-fashioned way. Sometimes we might take the old volume of Tennyson or Browning from the mantelshelf and read aloud to one another. Sometimes we might have a game of whist - although not often as that tends to get Geoffrey awfully worked up. He's a terrible loser. Sometimes we might whittle away at a piece of driftwood, fashioning some mythical creature from the bare wood. (actually, no, we've never done that.)
Mostly we just sit and chat aimlessly while enjoying our pipes and madeira, and wait contentedly for the odd visitor to arrive. And that's precisely what we've been doing for the past week. So why on earth are we bored? I wouldn't go so far as to say we're bored out of our minds, or bored rigid, it's more..well, I don't know...
"We're fed up, Tuppy!" declares Geoffrey, bursting willy nilly into my train of thought without a care in the world or a by your leave. "Let's plan a holiday!"
"But where should we go?"
"How about a health spa?"
"Don't be ridiculous Geoffrey! your mind must have been affected by the flu. Snap out of it, please!" Health spas indeed!
But he's got a point. They say a change is as good as a rest. Perhaps it's time for us to get the old coracle out and head across the seas again - although I don't think I could face the Flannan Isles so soon after the last fiasco...(see previous posts)

lurgified

Geoffrey and I have flu, so we are currently swathed in tartan rugs, smoking our pipes and sipping boiling hot madeira toddies out of pint sized pewter mugs beside a roaring fire. Readers will know that that is how we spend ninetey per cent of our time, anyway. Nevertheless, we'd like some sympathy - for example, where is Wilson when he is ...well, I can't bring myself to say NEEDED, but as we are feeling generally ghastly and have genuine death's door-style illnesses, some medical so-called expertise MIGHT come in handy. But no. Razor Bill has been delivering leaflets, under pain of death, which advise sufferers to use "self help remedies", such as staying indoors and drinking plenty fluids. "Take your chances" it says, smugly. "After all, it's your own faults for not taking the jab when offered."
Offered? Readers will know that Wilson was firing needles into people's backsides willy nilly and without so much as a by your leave - to the extent that it put me in mind of the English archers raining arrows at Agincourt.
I don't regret leaching the vaccine out of my behind with the bread poultice ( see previous posts). No, not a bit. Neither do I regret conspiring to have Wilson bucked off into the Bay, where I believe he is still just managing to evade the clutches of baby Orca (last time I looked).
People will wonder what became of the bread poultice, with which I leached out the vaccine from my behind, and which then lodged itself on Elizabeth T-G's bonce. And they won't be hugely surprised to learn that we ate it, toasted, with butter and marmalade, for our breakfast yesterday morning.
One benefit of having flu - Spockfingers isn't with us any more - he took off with his juke box, declaring that he didn't want to catch "the lurgy". I think he watched X factor at The Old Rectory, on Apsley and Cherry's 62 inch telly, possibly with a pineapple on his head.

hit record, yeh...er...no

Right - quick update. We finally staggered out of the lock-in yesterday afternoon and made it back to the Outcrop, followed by Spockfingers towing his jukebox and singing along to The Raspberries "Overnite Sensation". If I hear another Power Pop song in the foreseeable, I'll leap off the cliffs myself and join Wilson swimming desperately around in the Bay, being chased by Baby Orca. Yes - we finally managed to shoehorn Wilson into the straitjacket and strapped him on to Titus' back - from whence he was well and truly bucked off the cliffs. Readers will remember that the straitjacket was stretchy with velcro fastenings, so it was easy (sadly) for Wilson to free himself and start doing a creditable backstroke. Well, let's face it he's had plenty practice (see previous posts)
Everyone's relieved to have Wilson and his horrible jabs out of the way, for a while at least. If only he wasn't such a control freak - after all, it isn't very nice for us to have to throw or buck people off the cliffs, and we only do it if absolutely necessary/unavoidable. Geoffrey has just interrupted me to tell me I'm being very po-faced. But isn't there a place for po-facery, from time to time? "No," Geoffrey decrees. Now that his feathers have grown back, and he's recovered from his accidental compulsory detention in the Old Asylum, there's no stopping him. Mind you, it's great to see him back to his usual.
We think we're going to give our livers a break this weekend and avoid the usual lock in at the Puff Inn. NOT that we've paid the remotest attention to any of Wilson's cheerless advice. Far from it. We're going to put our feet up and watch X factor - looks like we'll be having a house guest, in the form of Spockfingers, so doubtless he'll provide us with his views on the contestants. Already we're liking Joe, and wondering if the straitjacket would stretch to containing both twins? they'd make one heck of a splash in the Bay...

o the road is deep and wide...

OMG! it's Wednesday and I'm STILL locked in to the Friday lock-in at the Puff Inn. Yesterday evening Spockfingers barged his way in complete with juke box, which he lugged behind him on a "wheelie"basket nicked from Somerfield - soon to be Co-op. Luckily he also brought some marked down fruit loaf, a jar of marmalade and a packet of trifle sponges which he found in the skip at the back, and just as well too, as we ran out of salty snax on Monday morning, and were surviving only on the calories gleaned from alcohol - and we all know what problems THAT can cause. Or do we? but that's another story.
Readers might know that Spockfingers is renowned for his amazing singing voice, but that it CAN get a bit much at times - which he now realises, hence the juke box.
Records available to play on said juke box include:
Hickory Holler's Tramp, by OC Smith
This is the Captain of Your Ship, by Reperata and the Delrons
I'm Gonna Run Away from Yoo-ooo-ooo by Tammi Lynn
Me and You and a Dog Named Boo, by Lobo(tomy)
Patches by Clarence Carter.
Doubtless all stolen from Jimmy Young's record collection - more will follow, I'm sure...