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Wednesday 31 March 2010

dreadful wind farm shock

What a terrible, terrible shock. Just as Geoffrey and I were tucking into our second round of double sausage and brown sauce sandwiches, and pouring ourselves another mugful of hot madeira, Razor Bill arrived with the day's post.
"Bad news, Tuppy old son," said Bill, sitting down heavily in our spare armchair, which promptly collapsed underneath him (and he's not even slightly obese - never mind morbidly, unlike myself - but that's another story). "Everyone's getting one of these." And he handed me a long brown envelope.
Inside, there was a letter, informing me that a "road" is to be built across the moors, in order to "service" the building of a "wind farm" on the cliffs.
"Well, there's plenty of wind round here. In more ways than one," I mused. "But I don't like the sound of this, at all."
"It's to do with green energy targets, Tuppy. You know the obesity targets Wilson keeps banging on about?"
"Don't remind me. We're all much too fat and lazy, and we've all to eat five veg. a day, not including red sauce, or we get sent to the hulks?"
"Yes. But this is much, much worse. It could mean the end of the Outcrop, as we know it."
"Oh no! Something must be done!"
"Yes. The Tupfinder's arranged a top-level meeting at the Towers, tonight, at the witching hour. Be there. Mrs T-G is doing sausage rolls."

Geoffrey returns

Early this morning (about 11.35) I was awakened by an eager "tap-tap-tap" on the window pane. At first, I thought it was just the loose sash rattling in the wind, so I ignored it and attempted to get back to sleep. But the rattling became more insistent and so I put on my "tupwatch tartan" dressing gown and staggered to the window. As I flung open the curtains, I saw dear old Geoffrey's face, peering back at me. You can only imagine my joy.
"Why didn't you just use the door?" I asked.
"It was locked, and my key wouldn't work," said Geoffrey, looking rather hurt.
"Well, I haven't locked it. I NEVER lock it, " I replied, giving the door a good kick. "It must have swollen up with the damp weather, and jammed. Come in and sit down and have a glass of madeira. I'll fire some sausages under the grill as well."
"That sounds lovely, Tuppy. I'm pig sick of seaweed and fresh fish."
Mind you, I have to say he was looking well on it. His feathers were gleaming and his eyes were brighter and more inquisitive than ever. How great to have him back where he belongs, sitting across from me by the fireside at the Rocky Outcrop, our home. I can't wait to hear about his travels.

Friday 26 March 2010

recipes from the outcrop

Someone has requested the recipe for my fave koktale, the Purple Peril. Unfortunately, Stormy tends to mix this on an "as required" basis, and I'm not privy to the murky secrets held in the dusty cellars of the Puff Inn. I do of course have an idea of what MIGHT be in the mixture, and am only too aware that the main ingredient is very cheap - and also highly combustible. Apparently, one "measure" (if you use such things) exceeds the entire recommended weekly safe drinking limit for the population of Inverness.
Once Geoffrey returns (any day now!) I will ask Stormy to make us up a celebratory bucketful. In fact, once I've finished my pipe, I think I'll head off along the cliffs, and alert him. It will give him time to order in some extra salty snax, and book a decent band for the lock in (last time, we were regaled by Tuppence and his moog, when he was going through that awful prog rock phase and playing Rick Wakeman's Eight Wives of Henry the Sixth" or whatever it's called, incessantly. Here's hoping we don't have to put up with THAT again, or, worse, him playing Tull's "Minstrel in the Gallery" relentlessly at ear-splitting volume.)

Tuesday 23 March 2010

Geoffrey changes his palate

Another letter from Geoffrey - this time, it contained a confession.
Dere Tpuie
I still wiff my cuzzins, just off the coset of Mull, I srie, I gone of the dyitt, I et sum fish and seewede it woz verry nise u c thay don' hav tins heer. I think I lost sum wait, hoping this fines u well
ure frend
Geoffrey xx

Readers will perhaps recall that Geoffrey and I embarked upon an experiment, just after January 1st. In defiance of all health-warnings we decided to try a "processed meat only" diet. We've always been fans of korn bif, Spam, sausages and such-like, so it was scarcely a hardship, and a good excuse to stick two fingers up at the Ghastly Wilson and his ilk.
But it looks like Geoffrey has been eating fresh fish and sea-weed, at his cousins' place - he might well have developed a taste for "healthy options" while away, so goodness knows how he'll adjust to our customary hi-fat hi-salt lo-fibre diet, once he's home.
To be honest, I've gone off the diet as well, as I've eaten crisps, which are a form of vegetable. I also enjoy the odd dollop of tomato ketchup on my korn bif sandwiches, and eat pies, which of course have pastry made from wheat and hydrogenated vegetable oil. So we'll probably have to start all over again and devise a new system. I'll discuss this with Geoffrey, when he returns.

Wednesday 17 March 2010

the T-G looks down his nose at Geoffrey's writing

"For pity's sake," said the T-G in a shocked, hushed voice,"You'll have to send him to night classes. Is he alright in the, you know, head?"
"Of course he is!" I snapped, loyally. "He just can't spell."
"It's not just the spelling. It's the handwriting," he added in a disgusted tone.
"That's hardly his fault. Geoffrey doesn't have hands," I explained.
"Oh, of course," said the T-G. "I'd forgotten. I suppose he does alright for someone with webbed feet."
"Is Mrs T-G much of a writer?" I asked innocently, taking exception to his sneering manner. Any mention of Mrs T-G makes him jump and look guilty. "And isn't she wondering where you are at 1.30 in the morning? Not that it's any of my business."
"Ahem," he coughed," I think I'll just..."
His face had turned a ghastly and rather alarming shade of beige.
"Oh, forget it, T-G. Let's not fall out. Have another glass of madeira."
After all, I couldn't have him conking out on me.

Sunday 14 March 2010

letters from geoffrey

Well, it's taken me all week to work my way through Geoffrey's letters. I'd no idea he was such a prolific writer.
"dere tupie
heer i am just of the gulf of mecksicko. we must of hit a thermal or sumfing as this is pritty darn far from owr yewsyewal neck of teh woodz. anyways itz 2 hot for me, i don' much lyke it heer, i wont to cum hoam and am missing u very much
yure frend 4 ever
geoffrey xxx

dere tupie
well heer i am just off teh azoars, itz been pritty stormy and we've bin buffitted abowt sumfing awful.
hopa to c u soon
yure frend
geoffrey xxx

dere tupie well heer i am just off teh caost of madeera, we are wurkin owr way up toowords yoor good self and will geh hoam iventyewally.
hoap 2 c u sune
yure frend
geoffrey xxx

dere tupie
well heer i am just off the coast of sellafeeld pwr station my fethers hav turnt a funnie color
see u sune it wont be long now
yure frend
geoffrey xxx

dere tupie
I sorry I stoppt off in jura to c my cuzzins staid longer than i expekted
had a luvly tyme
yure frend
geoffrey

xxx

dere tupie
sorry i stoppt off in mull to c more cuzzins
wiff u sune
yure frend geoffrey xxx

Saturday 6 March 2010

boomerang effect

Fortunately, Spockfingers has a cousin on "the other side" who suffers equally from wind, and when I emerged via a water spout just off some cliffs on the Tasmanian coastline, he or she "let rip" and down I went once again, back through the hole from whence I came. I gave Doug McClure a wave as I sped past.
The searing heat of the earth's core ruptured the ropes which bound me to the trolley (yes, ropes) and when I bobbed to the surface in the Bay I found myself well and truly "off my trolley" and able to leg it for shore.
I can't swim very well, but circumstances being as they were, I managed to make it, and at quite a speedy rate. It helped that I kept seeing a large black fin looming into my line of vision.
My wool was absolutely sodden by the time I got to shore, and it was with great difficulty that I managed to clamber up the winding cliffside path back to the Rocky Outcrop.
I was met at the door by Razor Bill, who was delivering the post.
"Where on earth have you been, Tuppy?"
"Australia," I replied proudly, seizing a bundle of letters. All from Geoffrey! I'm just drying my wool off by a roaring driftwood fire, and calming my nerves with a glass of madeira, and then I'll settle down to have a good read.

Tuesday 2 March 2010

an unexpected trip

"Woh-woh-wo-wo-woh-woh-woh-woaoaoah!" As I continued to bob about in the Bay - still ON my trolley, worse luck - I could hear Spockfingers dulcet tones echoing across the mirror-like water from the direction of the Puff Inn. Clearly he'd been indulging in a bar lunch, and most likely one of Stormy's bean and vegetable Hotpots, as after regaling anyone within a 25 mile range with his version of "Do You Know the Way to San Jose?" he positioned his backside directly towards the Bay and began to pass wind in the most frightful fashion. This powerful outpouring of gas began to disrupt the water and before I could say Burt frigging Bacharach I was caught up in the most terrifying whirlpool.
The vortex thus created drove me and my trolley through the earth's crust and we are now powering our way down through layers of molten magma (and stuff) towards the earth's core! I think I just saw Doug McClure, wearing chaps and a rather grubby stetson! Ooo-er! whatever next?
(By the way - if you're wondering why Stormy has started providing bean and vegetable hotpots, instead of his usual crisps 'n' salty snax, you'll have to wait, cos I don't yet know, myself.)