Geoffrey's in a Right State.
'It's the Whingers Anonymous club meeting tonite and I've no idea what to say.'
'Don't say anything then. Just sit in a corner eating crisps and say you're having an off nite.'
'It doesn't work like that Tuppy. They're all top-notch intellectual thugs and they'll all turn on me using the combined force of their lethal brain-power unless I come up with a whinge that meets their rigorous standards. And as if that wasn't bad enough, even if you DO think of a whinge, if it's not a popular one with the others you get publicly de-badged. I like my badge Tuppy! I don't want to get de-badged. Especially not publicly.'
'How horrible. I wouldn't go at all then. Just stay at home with me and we'll sit and stare into the fire and eat sausages and drink Madeira until we go unconscious.'
'No Tuppy. After twenty years of it I'm bored doing that. I need some mental stimulation and I'm sure Whingers Anonymous is the very thing. I need to stretch my brain.'
'Suit yourself.' I yawned and tapped my the embers of my pipe into the fire, and contemplated another bacon sandwich. 'I find doing a Sudoku or trying to work out the number of Rice Krispies in a family-sized pack does the trick in the brain-stretching department, but each to their own.'
I was lying about the Rice Krispies, of course. And about the Sudoku. Surely Sudoku is one of the most mind-crunchingly dull inventions ever.....what kind of MANIAC would think up a so-called 'game' that involves adding up numbers in a square until your eyes fall out? And why is it so popular? And why has Carol Vorderman made even-more-money-than-she's-already-got for herself by writing a book about it - and what kind of losers actually BUY it FFS....
'Geoffrey, I think I might have inadvertently come up with a wh - ....'
But he was still rattling on, pacing the floor and clutching his head. ' It's not all stick though Tuppy,' he raved, 'There's a prize for Whinge of the Week. Last week it was a hamper. I want to win the hamper Tuppy. It would give me a real sense of achievement and that. I've no idea what to whinge about Tuppy. I'm perfectly contented. I don't know what to say and I'm afraid they'll all laugh at my confusion and embarrassed silence and then do the de-badging thing.'
'Why on earth are you even going then?'
'For the company Tuppy. I'm lonely.'
'You've got me, and the neighbours, and the Tupfinder General on the odd occasion. I'd have thought that was enough.'
'It isn't enough Tuppy. I want to spread my wings and learn new things. Meet new people. Maybe even...well...meet someone special...'
That was it. I stood up briskly and brushed the crumbs off my tartan knee rug (it's one of my five eating days today).
'I'm making another bacon sandwich and then I'm fetching the big syringe Geoffrey. No, no,' I held up my hand,' I'm afraid you've lost the plot altogether and you'll have to be strapped down and sedated until you see sense. Or at least until I've finished reading the paper.'