"I don't know much about This, but I can tell you an awful lot about THAT," began the Whale.*
Then it began to cough.
"Jings," I said.
"Crivvins," said Geoffrey.
"Help ma boab**," said Fancy, spinning round and round in her excitement.
"STOP THAT FANCY!" I shouted, "You'll knock us all sick."
"Yes please do stop," said the Whale,"I can't address a spinning audience. It reminds terribly me of the terrible time when I had a terrible inner ear infection, and I got terrible vertigo. I got terribly ill and it took me a terrible length of time to recover. And even then, when I was supposedly better, I felt terrible."
"Doctors eh," said Geoffrey.
"Never trust 'em," I added darkly. (We were both thinking of Drs Wilson and Kwak, mentioned in earlier Tales, and in the first four e-books)
"That was how the weight gain started," continued the Whale, warming to its tale. "There I was, housebound, with only a reclining chair, a biscuit barrel, a deep fat fryer and a wall-mounted TV for company."
Geoffrey and I glanced at each other. "Where were you? A sheltered housing complex?" I asked. "Did you have a walk-in bath, as well?"
"No Tuppy. You're quite wrong. They couldn't possibly allow deep fat fryers in sheltered housing, due to health and safety issues," said Geoffrey in his best 'job'sworth' tone. Not that he's ever had a job.
"Yes!" said the Whale,"Well, kind of. It was a theme park for elderly whales. Well they said it was a theme park, but really it was a knacker's yard, for old whales who couldn't jump and do tricks any more. Before they made us into scampi bites and fish-style fingers. They wanted us to fatten up. Pile on the beef, so to speak. You know - Overthere. Right by the Speedispend Hypermarket and Compulsory Screening Centre. I managed to escape," it added proudly.
"How? How did you manage to escape?" we cried.
"Give me a biscuit and I'll tell you. I've not had sight or sound of so much as a Rich Tea for three long months."
more later
*apologies to the late Chic Murray
**apologies to The Broons
Then it began to cough.
"Jings," I said.
"Crivvins," said Geoffrey.
"Help ma boab**," said Fancy, spinning round and round in her excitement.
"STOP THAT FANCY!" I shouted, "You'll knock us all sick."
"Yes please do stop," said the Whale,"I can't address a spinning audience. It reminds terribly me of the terrible time when I had a terrible inner ear infection, and I got terrible vertigo. I got terribly ill and it took me a terrible length of time to recover. And even then, when I was supposedly better, I felt terrible."
"Doctors eh," said Geoffrey.
"Never trust 'em," I added darkly. (We were both thinking of Drs Wilson and Kwak, mentioned in earlier Tales, and in the first four e-books)
"That was how the weight gain started," continued the Whale, warming to its tale. "There I was, housebound, with only a reclining chair, a biscuit barrel, a deep fat fryer and a wall-mounted TV for company."
Geoffrey and I glanced at each other. "Where were you? A sheltered housing complex?" I asked. "Did you have a walk-in bath, as well?"
"No Tuppy. You're quite wrong. They couldn't possibly allow deep fat fryers in sheltered housing, due to health and safety issues," said Geoffrey in his best 'job'sworth' tone. Not that he's ever had a job.
"Yes!" said the Whale,"Well, kind of. It was a theme park for elderly whales. Well they said it was a theme park, but really it was a knacker's yard, for old whales who couldn't jump and do tricks any more. Before they made us into scampi bites and fish-style fingers. They wanted us to fatten up. Pile on the beef, so to speak. You know - Overthere. Right by the Speedispend Hypermarket and Compulsory Screening Centre. I managed to escape," it added proudly.
"How? How did you manage to escape?" we cried.
"Give me a biscuit and I'll tell you. I've not had sight or sound of so much as a Rich Tea for three long months."
more later
*apologies to the late Chic Murray
**apologies to The Broons
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