Geoffrey and I were sitting by the fire enjoying a bacon sandwich and a read of The Bugle.
'Anything interesting today, Geoffrey?' I wasn't expecting anything beyond Val Nark's health-food cookery column (hedgerow jam last week), letters to the editor written by the usual whingers, and a review of Grudge Match written by my nephew Tuppence. Grudge Match is his favourite film. He says it bears several repeat viewings to bring out the subtle nuances and he's written nine different reviews, or 'exegeses' as he calls them.
I thought there might be a few seasonal used items for sale in the small ads., such as fire irons, fleece dressing-gowns and slippers. Cherry Fulmar tried to sell Apsley (her husband) last week. Clearly there's desperate trouble brewing in the Old Rectory...
But more of that later.
'There's a feature on World Mental Health Day.' Geoffrey was peering through his pince nez.
'How dull. Move on. What's for sale? Any sentient beings this week? Has Val Nark got another vile recipe in?'
'Not this week. It's her who's written the feature on World Mental Health Day.'
'Really? Bore me senseless.
'She does therapy and everything. And it isn't just the hot stones and the sweat yurt. She does proper talking therapy as well now. She does counselling Tuppy. It's only forty pounds an hour. I think you should go.'
'Why? There's nothing wrong with my mental health.'
'That's because you mask everything behind a cloud of self-medication. The drugs and pipe tobacco and that. You're numbing yourself Tuppy. You're not in touch with your inner self.'
'Opium and laudanum and Madeira and whatever else I can lay my hands on, are not drugs. They're simple comestibles, like bacon and tea.'
'Val says you're an addict. She says you need locking up for your own safety. She says you're a fool to yourself Tuppy, and a bad example to Tuppence and the younger generation.'
'But it's Tuppence who supplies me! Ooops I mean...'
'Aha! So you've turned into a grass Uncle Tuppy! I expected as much. Fortunately, I'm clever enough to evade capture - plus, I'm prepared for any eventuality.'
It was my nefarious nephew, and 'supplier', Tuppence. He stood in the doorway armed to the teeth with a brace of pistols and a bandolier. Behind him stood two rats, glowering and smoking roll-up cigarettes made with brown papers.
'Are those liquorice papers?' I asked. 'I haven't been able to get those for ages.'
'Don't try to distract our attention from your loose lips Uncle Tuppy. You've let me down and in a Big Way. AGAIN, might I add. No wonder I've had to go to Val Nark for regression therapy. I've learned loads. Did you know, for example, that that cup of tea that you're holding is a quarter full, not three quarters empty? Isn't that a marvellous insight?'
'But it's cold, and I don't want it. Besides, I don't give a flying *insert rude word of choice*. Put the kettle on Geoffrey, and bring the thumbscrews. I want to know when and why you were discussing my comestible consumption with Val *insert rude word of choice* Nark.'
More on (most of) this later.
Read more about Tuppy, Tuppence, Geoffrey, and Val Nark here http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sea-Penguin-Part-Five-Selections-ebook/dp/B00FW19E0Y/ref=pd_rhf_gw_p_img_1
Find more of my stuff here http://www.amazon.co.uk/Kate-Smart/e/B008MFK3NE/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_pop_1
'Anything interesting today, Geoffrey?' I wasn't expecting anything beyond Val Nark's health-food cookery column (hedgerow jam last week), letters to the editor written by the usual whingers, and a review of Grudge Match written by my nephew Tuppence. Grudge Match is his favourite film. He says it bears several repeat viewings to bring out the subtle nuances and he's written nine different reviews, or 'exegeses' as he calls them.
I thought there might be a few seasonal used items for sale in the small ads., such as fire irons, fleece dressing-gowns and slippers. Cherry Fulmar tried to sell Apsley (her husband) last week. Clearly there's desperate trouble brewing in the Old Rectory...
But more of that later.
'There's a feature on World Mental Health Day.' Geoffrey was peering through his pince nez.
'How dull. Move on. What's for sale? Any sentient beings this week? Has Val Nark got another vile recipe in?'
'Not this week. It's her who's written the feature on World Mental Health Day.'
'Really? Bore me senseless.
'She does therapy and everything. And it isn't just the hot stones and the sweat yurt. She does proper talking therapy as well now. She does counselling Tuppy. It's only forty pounds an hour. I think you should go.'
'Why? There's nothing wrong with my mental health.'
'That's because you mask everything behind a cloud of self-medication. The drugs and pipe tobacco and that. You're numbing yourself Tuppy. You're not in touch with your inner self.'
'Opium and laudanum and Madeira and whatever else I can lay my hands on, are not drugs. They're simple comestibles, like bacon and tea.'
'Val says you're an addict. She says you need locking up for your own safety. She says you're a fool to yourself Tuppy, and a bad example to Tuppence and the younger generation.'
'But it's Tuppence who supplies me! Ooops I mean...'
'Aha! So you've turned into a grass Uncle Tuppy! I expected as much. Fortunately, I'm clever enough to evade capture - plus, I'm prepared for any eventuality.'
It was my nefarious nephew, and 'supplier', Tuppence. He stood in the doorway armed to the teeth with a brace of pistols and a bandolier. Behind him stood two rats, glowering and smoking roll-up cigarettes made with brown papers.
'Are those liquorice papers?' I asked. 'I haven't been able to get those for ages.'
'Don't try to distract our attention from your loose lips Uncle Tuppy. You've let me down and in a Big Way. AGAIN, might I add. No wonder I've had to go to Val Nark for regression therapy. I've learned loads. Did you know, for example, that that cup of tea that you're holding is a quarter full, not three quarters empty? Isn't that a marvellous insight?'
'But it's cold, and I don't want it. Besides, I don't give a flying *insert rude word of choice*. Put the kettle on Geoffrey, and bring the thumbscrews. I want to know when and why you were discussing my comestible consumption with Val *insert rude word of choice* Nark.'
More on (most of) this later.
Read more about Tuppy, Tuppence, Geoffrey, and Val Nark here http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sea-Penguin-Part-Five-Selections-ebook/dp/B00FW19E0Y/ref=pd_rhf_gw_p_img_1
Find more of my stuff here http://www.amazon.co.uk/Kate-Smart/e/B008MFK3NE/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_pop_1
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