Putting the Grot into Grotto

'Shall we get Dave a Christmas stocking?' asked Alexa.

'Oh why not get him two,' sneered Tuppence, who was not 'on board' with the whole giving-Dave-his-best-Christmas-ever deal.  'Might as well get him a pair.  And while you're at it, has he written his letter to Santa yet?'

'There's no need for that attitude,' snapped Geoffrey.  'We intend to embody the whole Christmas spirit this year.  We want to do it right and we've no time for cheap sarcasm from the likes of you Tuppence.'

'When did you find out that Santa wasn't real Tuppence?' asked Alexa wistfully. 'I remember being very upset and feeling sort of betrayed by my parents.  Like they'd been lying to me and I wasn't sure I could trust them any more.  But I got over it I suppose.'

'The Santa myth is the first betrayal,' intoned the Tupfinder General, tapping his swordstick briskly on the fender and sending a shower of sparks up the chimney. 'The first of many, for some.  Or the first of some, for many.  In any event, it isn't good.'

The T-G had stopped by to hand in some black sausage rolls and a jar of pickled worms, an early Yuletide gift from his wife.

'Santa has got nothing to do with Christmas,' said Tuppence. 'That's if you mean Christmas in the Christian or even pre-Christian sense, as we all should.  He's a coca cola guzzling, materialistic, obese, subjectively judgmental old man with an awful taste in clothes.  He's probably a pre-vert as well.'

'You're talking as if you really believe that Santa exists Tuppence.  As if there's only one of them.  Whereas you can find Santas all over the shop.  Literally.  Unemployed people dressed up.  Just look at the grotto in Speedispend.  They have about five Santas, all working shifts.'  said Geoffrey.

'For minimum wage,' said Alexa, 'and zero hour contracts.  If not enough kids turn up the Santas get sent home.'  

'I don't mean them,' growled Tuppence.  'I mean the REAL Santa.  Of course he exists.  I've met him, and he's even worse than I said.  If you're interested,  I can arrange for you to meet him as well.  Though you might regret it...'

Next time - Tuppence arranges a 'meet' with Santa, and everyone regrets it...