'The virus was released by a group of Green anarchists in order to get the population down Uncle Tuppy. Starting with picking off the old and the sick. The weaklings at the back of the herd - the ones that can't run fast and would die soon anyway. And as an old fat smoker with short legs you're right in the firing line.' Tuppence was up till 2am last night reading about conspiracy theories and doing a 'deep dive' into the pandemic. If only he'd stuck with the grassy knoll and mind control. Simpler, happier times.
'So what else is new,' I said, stretching the aforementioned legs towards the fire and filling my pipe with Black Bogey. 'The thing I don't understand is, why they involved bats. It seems like an unnecessary complication.'
'You and Uncle Geoffrey are toast,' crowed Tuppence, rubbing his hands together, 'and the T-G as well probably. Although he's a bit of an unknown quantity age-wise he is bald so he must be well on the turn. The planet's going to be a much safer place for the rest of us when all you decrepit coffin dodgers are out of the way. Human beings have ruined everything - human beings of your generation that is. You've milked it dry with your greed, your laziness and your filthy disgusting habits, and you've bitten the hand that fed you. Probably eaten it as well, deep-fried in lard with a side of coleslaw and extra thick crinkly cut chips. Now it's up to us millennials to sort things out and that's just what we're doing.'
'Releasing viruses and killing off the old and the sick?'
'Yes! Survival of the fittest Uncle Tuppy. We must cut out the dead wood. It's all for the best.'
'Really.'
'Oh, scoff away. I know that's all your drink-addled brain can manage. By the way - have you signed your Do Not Resuscitate form yet?'
'No I have not.'
next time - Tuppence forms a new band and names it 'The Green Anarchists'. They release a charity 'coronasingle' accidentally called 'The Green Antichrist' due to a typo on the label and they get Elton John to sing harmony via videolink. Sadly the signal went crackly and his contribution was lost.
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