'You know who's going to come out of this well?  Banks, Speedispend Hypermarket and Compulsory Screening Centre, life coaches like Val Nark and novelists.'
'What about Doctor Wilson.'
I was slumped in my favourite leather armchair, toasting my feet by a roaring driftwood fire as Geoffrey poured us both a hefty slug of Madeira.
'What about him?'
'Well, aren't medics the heroes of the hour?'
'Some might be.  Wilson certainly isn't.  Ghastly man.  He's a throwback to the era when barbers doubled as surgeons.  Only worse.  He doesn't know what he's doing, crawling about in the caves covered in seaweed (please see books for details, if you're interested) and forcing everyone to go on diets and stop drinking and smoking.'
'He hasn't forced us.'
'No but it isn't for the want of trying.  All the things that make life tolerable, and he wants to destroy them.'
'Drink, baccy...fatty foods...biscuits...'
'Yes, and worst of all - he wants to destroy the illusion that we're immortal.  He constantly undermines our inalienable right to the essential belief that we're immune to illness and death.  That we have Teflon innards that won't be affected by a high-fat diet, and livers that can tolerate as much alcohol as we fancy.  His constant doom-laden needling about how we've got to look after ourselves else we'll die, terrifies me.  I won't live under the medical cosh Geoffrey, I simply won't.  I can't.'
'You will take his advice to stay indoors to avoid the coronavirus won't you though.'
'I don't know that I will Geoffrey.  I think I'll go along to the Puff Inn and...'
'It's shut.'
'Oh.  Well, I'll nip over to Tupfinder Towers and see if Mrs T-G has allowed the T-G back in again...'
'You can't.  You're not allowed to visit friends.'
'Mrs T-G isn't a friend.'
'You're not allowed to visit anybody.'
'Alright, I'll go along to Val Nark's for an ear-candling session!'
'Social distancing rules that out as well Tuppy.  Val's working from home now.  The yurt's locked up and Val's doing life-coaching via Skype.  Ear candling won't be possible till after the lockdown.'
'Oh.'
'We're only allowed out for a daily walk.  For the good of our physical and mental healths.  There are drones circling the cliffs to ensure compliance.'
'What happens if you don't comply?'
'You get herded up by people in hazmat suits armed with cattle prods and put in a nasty dark place for a very long time.'
'What fun.'
'You are allowed out to fetch essential supplies though.'
'That's more like it Geoffrey!  Let's go down the Tunnels and fetch some more crisps, baccy and Madeira - nobody can tell me they aren't essential.  We'd better put on the camouflage gear and wait till nightfall, just to be on the safe side.'

Next time - Tuppence and his prog friends release a charity single, and Val Nark has some life coaching ideas to help everyone through troubled times.