The One-eyed Fiery Demon of Thoth

Well! turns out that I was quite right not to have been 'following The News', because from what I've just been told, it's too bloody depressing for words. As I thought! More on that later.
After we'd roped ourselves up, we hauled ourselves out of the tunnel and up the vertical cliff face, inch by painful inch, following a rough ladder of rusting iron nails driven deep into the rock by some long-dead smuggler, and into a tunnel further up, inch by even more painful inch.  Once inside,  the T-G took out his tinder box and lit a cheering fire and proceeded to boil some water in a tin can so that we could wash our blisters and have a hot toddy using 100% proof whiskey from his hip flask.
'Hot toddies and blister-washes all round!' he boomed, his voice echoing round the cave (all the Tunnels are really caves - a few are man-made extensions of caves, but none are what you might describe as 'wholly unnatural'.  Just in case you were wondering.  As readers from long ago will recall, I know a fair bit about the Tunnels, because Geoffrey and I basically existed for years on tins of korn bif, salty snax and other choice items stolen - not my idea of stealing, but never mind, I haven't time to argue - from smuggled goods stashed by gangs of rats in said Tunnels.  But I digress.)
Once the three of us were settled by the fire the T-G helped us to another snifter from his hip flask and began his story.  The leaping flames reflected off the metallic strips on our hi-viz yellow jackets, making quite the show.
'Never take them off!' he warned, when Geoffrey complained his was chafing. 'Never mind why. I'll explain later.  Now about The News,' he began...
'T-G', I interrupted,' Sorry but before you start on about The News - what is that curious engraving on your hip flask?  It reminds me of something.  Something rather awful that I think I saw in a terrible nightmare...'
'It's the one-eyed Fiery Demon of Thoth, Tuppy.  Considered in olden times to be a harbinger of certain, violent, imminent and agonising death, preceded by a spell of raving insanity.  Mrs T-G gave it to me in my Yuletide stocking last...Yule. Lovely, isn't it?  I do like the way the eye glints in the firelight.  You'd almost think it was blinking, sort of coming to life. There is an old folk legend, probably nonsense of course, that maintains the Demon will one day be awakened in a cavern by a fire thrice lit.  Whatever that might mean. If you're really interested, I have a book on Demonology back in Tupfinder Towers library, which has a chapter on the Demon of Thoth and its various possible incarnations.   Anyway - back to The News...'
'Biscuit, anyone?  I've just found a packet of ginger crunch creams under this rock,' said Geoffrey.

more later

more here

I woke up with the familiar sound of the incoming tide washing relentlessly against the rocks and the smell of musty potatoes in my nostrils.  I struggled to free my hands which were secured behind me but it was no use.  I kicked my legs but could barely move them an inch as they too were tied.  My back was against a wall of rock and I could feel a length of chain digging into my spine.
'Help!'  I quavered.  'I'm hog-tied in the tunnels with a potato sack over my head and the tide's coming in!'
'So am I!' cried Geoffrey.
'Never fear Tuppy.'  Suddenly a bright gap appeared, and a pair of nail scissors flashed in the evening sun.  The potato sack fell to my shoulders and I breathed clean, must-free air for the first time in - well, I wasn't sure how long because I couldn't remember anything after receiving the 'thud' on the back of my neck.
I blinked a few times and looked around me.  Someone wearing a yellow 'hi-viz' jacket was sawing away at the potato sack next to me with the nail scissors.  For a panic-stricken moment I thought it was Tuppence in his yellow oilskin, or heaven forfend, Alexa, but no - from the cloven feet and the sword-stick I could tell it was the Tupfinder General.
'Just as well I had Mrs T-G's nail scissors on me,' he said as he freed Geoffrey. 'I'd forgotten they were in my waistcoat pocket.  I must have popped them in there after I trimmed my eyebrows this morning.  If I hadn't had them I'd have had to use the business end of the sword stick and it's blunt.  I'd have been sawing away for ages.  We'd better get out of here before they get back.'
'They?'
'Tuppence and Alexa of course.  They want all us oldies out of the way.  It isn't only you two, and it isn't only them.  Can you both walk?'
'I can fly,' said Geoffrey.
'Of course.  All right - you fly over to the next tunnel and see if it's empty.  We'll follow along.  Fly back and let us know if anyone's there and if so we'll try Plan B.'
'What's Plan B?  and why must we go to the next tunnel along?  why can't you take us to Tupfinder Towers?'
'For goodness sake Tuppy.  Don't you know anything?  Don't you follow The News?  Don't you read the People's Bugle?'
'No.  I don't like News.  Unless it concerns me directly, and hardly anything ever does, thank goodness.'
'Well, I'll -'
'The next tunnels full of huge boxes T-G,' gasped Geoffrey, who had just flown back in. 'I couldn't read the labels in the dim light so I don't know what's in them.'
'I do,' said the T-G grimly,' It's stockpiled medication and probably other stuff as well. We must be right next to Dr Wilson's cached supplies.  Were there any - creatures in there?  anything - living?'
'I didn't see anything.  But I couldn't be sure. Because of all the boxes I couldn't see right to the back and it was awfully dark.  I was frightened T-G. I don't mind telling you.  It just didn't feel right and there was a funny smell, sort of like -'
'Like marzipan?' said the T-G.
'Yes!'
'Hmm.  Well, I think it'd better be Plan B after all.  Just in case.'  The Tupfinder General threw me a yellow 'hi viz' jacket and a length of stout rope.  'Put that on and tie the rope to your waist Tuppy.  We're going to have to climb.  I'll tell you all about The News when we get there.'
'Where's there?'
'Just shut up and do as I say.'
'Charmed I'm sure!  What do you make of that Geoffrey?  he's telling me to shut up!  did you ever hear the like!'
'He's right Tuppy,' said Geoffrey, struggling into his own little yellow jacket, 'Have you forgotten that we were bumped on the head by your own awful nephew just last night and hogtied with potato sacks over our heads?   Get a move on and tie that rope round.  We've got to get out of here before they come back.'

more later
  

Not so fast, coffin-dodgers

'Not so fast, coffin-dodgers.  Put those night vision goggles down and listen up. Me and Alexa are taking control from now on.  Now move.'
Tuppence (yes, for it was he, surprise surprise) stood outside with legs braced, just visible through a vast cloud of blueberry-scented vape-steam. He  waved a pistol in the direction of the hole in the wall.
'But - '
'No buts.  Shift your fat lazy butts and start walking.'
'But wh - '
'Any more of that and I'll shoot.  I mean it Uncle Tuppy and Uncle Geoffrey.  Alexa says - '
'Who's Alexa?'  I managed to ask.
'Alexa is my partner.  I would say she's my girlfriend but I'm not sure which gender she is.  And it's none of my business so I'm not even going to ask.  And neither are you.  All you need to know is, she plays bass in my new band, the one I want to tour German unis with, she's woke, and she's deeply resentful about brek-sit.  Even more than I am.'
'But you're calling her 'she' Tuppence. Surely that means that she is a she and therefore IS your girlfriend?'  I backed towards the fireplace, where I hoped to reach the poker and with any luck the button that operated the trap-door in the floor which led to the tunnels.
'I don't know and I don't care Uncle Tuppy. Anyway, we're prepared to accept that you two are much too old and thick to have made a considered and informed decision about brek-sit and therefore instead of killing you outright we've decided to simply lock you up somewhere secure until you die a natural death.  Remember when you were a prisoner in the Chateau d'If Uncle Tuppy? (please see e-books and/or Seapenguin paperback for details)  It'll be just like that except you won't ever get out.  It's for your own good and that.  You know as well as I do that you've no understanding of modern life and you're only in the way.  You'll be chained to the wall but on the plus side you'll have basic rations, a straw mattress and a bucket to do the toilet in.  Twice a day the tide will come in and you can have a bit of a wash in the icy seawater.  It'll probably do you a world of good, sort of like a health spa.'
I groped behind me as I inched towards the fireplace.  The lethal cold steel of the poker was almost within my grasp when  suddenly there was a blinding flash, I felt a 'thud' on the back of my neck, everything went black and all I could smell was musty potatoes.

more later

Death Brek-sit

The territory

I was enjoying a fully-cooked Brek-sit of bacon, Cumberland sausage, black pudding, fruit pudding, scrambled egg and fried bread and looking forward to washing it down with a pint of tea followed by a finisher of thickly-buttered toast and marmalade when Geoffrey flew in through the hole in the wall, feathers shedding everywhere as he caught a wing on the rusty nail on which hung the roughly-painted sign 'PRIVIT'.
'Tuppence wants us to die Tuppy,' he gasped.
'So what's new?'  I finished the last piece of egg and dabbed my mouth with the embroidered napkin left to me by my great aunt Agatha in her will.  Stitched into the napkin and only visible by the light of a waxing gibbous Moon was a secret code detailing the whereabouts of - but that's another story. 'Stop sweating and have some Brek-sit. There's another coil of Cumberland sausage in the larder.  Fire it on the fire.'
'No he really means it this time.  There's no time for Cumberland sausage Tuppy - unless I eat it raw, which I don't quite fancy.  We have to move, and move fast. He says if we hurry up and die he can travel all over the E.U. without beastly tariffs and stuff.  He wants to take his new band on a tour of German colleges and unis because he thinks they'll have an appetite for prog and he can't make any arrangements until he knows for sure what's going to happen.  He says we're ruining his life, it's all our fault because we're old and bigoted and it's high time we weren't around.  Tuppy - he's homicidal.  Even more so than usual.'
'I see. Where is he at the moment?'
'Do you mean, where is he in terms of his views on Brek-sit or where is he in actual, physical form?'
'Stop dithering Geoffrey.  We can't afford to waste any time.'
'He's firing his pistols at targets with our faces on, out on the moors.  So far, he hasn't missed.  Val Nark said it was healthy because he was getting fresh air and exercise as well as flushing all the aggression out of his system in a harmless-style manner but I bumped into Dr Wilson as he was stockpiling diabetes medication in one of the tunnels and he said he was behind Tuppence all the way and it was only a matter of time before we got our just desserts and the country could return to normal. '
'Great.  Start packing Geoffrey.  I'll fetch the coracle and the medical chest.  It's time we were on the move.'
'Where to?'
'We must destroy the Irish back-stop.  Forever! Before it's too late.'
'What is the Irish back-stop?'
'I don't know.  But it's our only hope.'
'It is?'
'Stop asking me things.  And don't forget the mustard plasters, the night vision goggles, the frogmen's suits, the diving bell and the full-face balaclava helmets.'

more later

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