My Amazon Author Page

Find my Amazon author page via this link

"A Scottish Wind in the Willows on high end skunk."

"I enjoy Kate's stories..."
"A fun and spooky read..."

"The characters are so involving and
loveable that you do want them to really exist. It does read like you've
stumbled across someone's long lost diary from and alternate timeline/universe.
I quickly got into the story and loved every second of reading it...
total gem of a read by an author who deserves a lot more recognition."


Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Thanks and a very happy Solstice to all my readers

I'd just like to say a big thank you to those who have contacted me over the past day or two to say they're reading and enjoying this blog. And of course, massive thanks to those who have kept hanging in there over the past couple of years. It goes without saying, but I'm saying it anyway - you're all Very Much Appreciated. Indeed.
Blogging can be kind of like screaming into a void, so getting that kind of encouragement means a lot - especially on this, the darkest day of the year!!!

#duh duh DUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH!# (dramatic music)

I have already posted the promo video for Jethro Tull's Solstice Bells. [As mentioned on my musical tastes page, despite all my better instincts I do have a weakness for "the mighty Tull", possibly after getting Ian Anderson's autograph in 1976. His auntie was our local chemist.]

Later on, Geoffrey and I will be putting on our jester's hats and our slippers with the pointy curled up toes and bells on the end, getting blind drunk, expanding our brains with strange herbs we've foraged from the moors, lighting a roaring driftwood fire and hunting down and roasting the first sentient being we can find in a ghastly low budget re-enactment of the final scene from the Wicker Man. I'll tell you all about it later.

Saturday, 18 December 2010

Black Bun - the scourge of Scotland

Geoffrey and I have been arguing over which special comestibles to get in over the Festive.
As long-term readers will know, the "Big Day" Hereabouts is the Solstice rather than December 25th which we see as mere southern jiggerypokery and up-their-ain-bumness.
Yes, we celebrate the sun's nadir and the total dearth of sunlight and warmth and cheer with as much glee as we can muster - which isn't that much if I'm totally honest.
Geoffrey reckons we should try to obtain some "Black Bun".
"I really fancy a slice of Black Bun," he said. He sounded enthusiastic enough but I could still sense an element of doubt in his tone.
"I haven't laid eyes on a Black Bun since 1978," I countered. "And I can't say I'm all that sorry. As I remember, I burst a filling on the last slice I attempted. It seemed to be full of low grade gravel. And it tasted like something that came out of a dog's behind. So I can't see the attraction, quite frankly."
"I don't care," he pouted." I'm going out to search for some right now."
"Knock yourself out," I said, reaching for my pipe. "I'll keep an eye on your online Heartache Removal Service till you get back..."

Monday, 30 August 2010

Does anyone need to milk a sheep?

I'm only asking.
If you do, may I point you in the direction of some plans I drew up last year, for my "SMD" or "sheep milking device"?
Simply click here and here for super-detailed diagrams of the CTR or Central Tubery Regulator, and the meths stove used to power the whole device.

Sunday, 29 August 2010

Chic Murray jokes

Chic Murray was very funny.
Here are some of his jokes and one-liners, mostly courtesy of a webpage I found here.

"If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?"

"I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling."

"Kippers - fish that like a lot of sleep."

"I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns."

"I'm not saying my wife's nose was big, but she could smoke a cigarette in the shower."

"My mother was a simple woman. My father was a simple man. You see the result standing here before you - a simpleton."

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Biscuit of the week - Fox's Ginger Crinkles

Yes, here it is again - our popular biscuit of the week feature! This week's chosen biscuit is the Fox's Ginger Crinkle. It WAS going to be the Fox's Ginger Crunch Cream, which we picked out on Friday - however, due to over-ingestion of meth 'o' pops over the weekend, we forgot and ate them all before we took the photo.
In our opinions, the Crunch Cream is a superior biscuit. We like the cream filling. But a Crinkle will do in a crisis.
Health and Safety warning - this biscuit MUST be dunked, otherwise teeth may be broken. It's pretty freakin' hard.
Plus - it's kind of syrupy and really sticks to your teeth, so a large quantity of tea is required, in order to rinse it off. Be especially wary, if, like us, you have false teeth - you can end up with them glued together for some considerable time. I'm saying no more (because I can't).

Sunday, 30 May 2010

Processed Meat Slice of the Week - Corned Beef

This week's Processed Meat of the Week is The Co-operative Corned Beef (5 slice pack).
This is probably our fave meat, though normally, Geoffrey and I prefer the tinned version. However, we take our pleasures where we can and if that's all they've got it's all they've got. Plus, we got it cheap as it's reached its sell-by.
Corned Beef - or "korn bif" as we know it - is a versatile and tasty meat. We eat it cold on its own with some red sauce or "yellow sauce" (salad cream). The T-G tells us that Mrs T-G makes it into something called "korn bif Alaska", which consists of a slab/tin of korn bif, covered in red sauce then covered again in mashed potato and grated cheese, and baked in the oven. Naturally Geoffrey and I can't be bothered with all that faff.
Readers might recall that Cherry Fulmar often prepares something called "korn bif kebabs" when she's having a BBQ. These consist of chunks of korn bif, skewered on sticks alongside chunks of tinned pineapple, BBQd, and served with a "yellow sauce coulis". Again, Geoffrey and I can well live without the pineapple chunks ("froot" - yuck) but we'll eat anything if it's free.
The Fulmars haven't had a BBQ this year due to inclement weather, so fingers crossed they might be planning one soon.

Saturday, 29 May 2010

Biscuit of the week - the two finger Kit Kat

This week's biscuit of the week is the two finger milk Kit Kat. We've tried the peanut kind as well, and we like those also. We don't care for the orange variety - too frooty.
Why has this been chosen as biscuit of the week? well, it's all we could find in the bins at the tourist car park today - plus, the red wrapper is very eye-catching and it makes you want to pick it up.
It's also a very good biscuit. We don't choose any old rubbish for this feature, even though we might find things in skips etc.. The chocolate is very tasty and not cloying like Cadbury's (can be).
Geoffrey enjoys a frozen Kit Kat, whereas I prefer mine slightly off the chill. Not that I'm fussy or anything.

Thursday, 27 May 2010

Tin of the Week

This is an unusual item - a tin containing "froot".
We don't normally eat "froot", as we like to stick to our processed meat and salty snax diet as much as possible. Our systems are accustomed to it and we feel that "froot" would interfere with that.
However we found this on the skip outside Tupfinder Towers, and decided just to take it for a rainy day, or for throwing at visitors, or both.
It's a tin of Co-operative pear quarters, and was priced down at 39p. It states on the tin that you have to eat THE WHOLE TIN in order to reach just ONE of the mandatory five a day, as laid down by the Ghastly Wilson and his ilk. Needless to say we won't be bothering with that carry on.

Saturday, 22 May 2010

Our cooking implement

A reader wonders how Geoffrey and I manage to cook, as we don't have "leccy" or "gas", or indeed an electrical gas-fired BBQ, like Apsley and Cherry.
Well we sometimes managed to boil up a can of beans on the fire - see header photo - and that is what we generally use for boiling the kettle, also. But we have another implement - the spirit stove - please see photo. As you can see, there are holes for fitting the outer pot, on to the stove, and within the outer pot, we fit an inner pot, which contains the vittles. Geoffrey works the "poo foo valve", which can be seen to the right of the photo, in order to fire the thing up, while I do the stirring.
Geoffrey tells me I'm a born stirrer. I'll take it as a compliment as I cannot be arsed having an argument with him - but I know full well what he's getting at, and what's more he knows that I know.

Biscuit of the Week - kind of

This week's biscuit of the week WAS going to be the Cadbury's Turkish Delight - the biscuits, obviously, NOT the chocolate bar. However, as Geoffrey ate them all before I could take a photo, and then cunningly disposed of the wrapper hoping I wouldn't notice they were gone, they're not.
I managed to eat ONE before they disappeared, and I have to say they have a limited appeal. I've never been a fan of Cadbury's chocolate (far too sickly), but if you are, you might enjoy them as they are thickly coated in the stuff. The Turkish Delight bit is tiny, and quite runny - sort of a small blob of rose-flavoured jam - and the biscuit base is quite nice and crunchy. But overall the dominating flavour is of Cadbury's chocolate.
Word of warning - they are too small and chocolatey to dunk - in my opinion AND experience. The whole thing can easily slip out of your hand and drop into a cup of tea. Especially if you've just been indulging in a "hair of the dog" after a bit of a night of it at the Puff Inn - but that's another story, which I will tell probably tomorrow once I've had me fry-up.
Personally, re. biscuits - I'm sticking with my faves, the FJR (Fox's Jam Rings).

Sunday, 16 May 2010

The Special Freshness Device

Just a quick "biscuit addendum" - here's what we call our "Special Freshness Device" - or "tin". Simply put your opened packet of biscuits in the device, or tin, and close the lid. They should keep for weeks.
However - word of warning - if following the "impress visitors" option, please be aware that your biscuit wrapper MIGHT become crumpled in the confines of the device, thus raising suspicions among visitors, that you are "pulling a fast one" vis a vis biscuit quality. It's up to you what you do next, but personally I'd have a back up plan.

Biscuit of the Week - the McVitie's milk chocolate digestive

Glitch having un-glitched itself (along with multiple clumps of my hair) here we go with biscuit of the week - the McVitie's Digestive (milk chocolate). £1.20 for a big pack, this is not bad value. However, the actual "Value" brands taste much the same, and are a quarter of the price, so here's a handy money-saving tip. If you want to impress visitors, keep the empty McVitie's packet - in as good condition as you can - and fill it with the "Value" biscuits. Make sure the "McVitie's" label is to the fore when you proffer the packet.

Friday, 23 April 2010

Another windy day in the Bay

A bit blowy here again. (Photos of the Bay currently being used have been sent in by regular reader Jim. I can't use a camera what with my hooves not having fingers.)

Biscuit of the week - the Orange Club

These are half price (72p) in Somerfield at the moment, which is why they are our biscuit of the week. The Jacob's Club is not my favourite biscuit, but it is cheap, and you have to have something with a cup of tea, so it will do. That's all I'm saying.

breakfast of the week - the double egg roll

Geoffrey doesn't eat eggs. To him, it's cannibalism. I can understand that, of course. But when he nipped out to get a breath of fresh air earlier, I took the opportunity of making myself a double fried egg roll with a red sauce garnish and some salt and pepper. I then opened the windows to get rid of the evidence i.e. "fried egg smell".
By the way - I'd like to apologise if the "juxtapositioning" of the photo below, and the photo shown here, has caused any readers to reach for the Rennies due to "abdominal discomfort" and/or nausea. Soz!!

Wednesday, 31 March 2010

Geoffrey returns

Early this morning (about 11.35) I was awakened by an eager "tap-tap-tap" on the window pane. At first, I thought it was just the loose sash rattling in the wind, so I ignored it and attempted to get back to sleep. But the rattling became more insistent and so I put on my "tupwatch tartan" dressing gown and staggered to the window. As I flung open the curtains, I saw dear old Geoffrey's face, peering back at me. You can only imagine my joy.
"Why didn't you just use the door?" I asked.
"It was locked, and my key wouldn't work," said Geoffrey, looking rather hurt.
"Well, I haven't locked it. I NEVER lock it, " I replied, giving the door a good kick. "It must have swollen up with the damp weather, and jammed. Come in and sit down and have a glass of madeira. I'll fire some sausages under the grill as well."
"That sounds lovely, Tuppy. I'm pig sick of seaweed and fresh fish."
Mind you, I have to say he was looking well on it. His feathers were gleaming and his eyes were brighter and more inquisitive than ever. How great to have him back where he belongs, sitting across from me by the fireside at the Rocky Outcrop, our home. I can't wait to hear about his travels.

Friday, 26 March 2010

recipes from the outcrop

Someone has requested the recipe for my fave koktale, the Purple Peril. Unfortunately, Stormy tends to mix this on an "as required" basis, and I'm not privy to the murky secrets held in the dusty cellars of the Puff Inn. I do of course have an idea of what MIGHT be in the mixture, and am only too aware that the main ingredient is very cheap - and also highly combustible. Apparently, one "measure" (if you use such things) exceeds the entire recommended weekly safe drinking limit for the population of Inverness.
Once Geoffrey returns (any day now!) I will ask Stormy to make us up a celebratory bucketful. In fact, once I've finished my pipe, I think I'll head off along the cliffs, and alert him. It will give him time to order in some extra salty snax, and book a decent band for the lock in (last time, we were regaled by Tuppence and his moog, when he was going through that awful prog rock phase and playing Rick Wakeman's Eight Wives of Henry the Sixth" or whatever it's called, incessantly. Here's hoping we don't have to put up with THAT again, or, worse, him playing Tull's "Minstrel in the Gallery" relentlessly at ear-splitting volume.)

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Geoffrey changes his palate

Another letter from Geoffrey - this time, it contained a confession.
Dere Tpuie
I still wiff my cuzzins, just off the coset of Mull, I srie, I gone of the dyitt, I et sum fish and seewede it woz verry nise u c thay don' hav tins heer. I think I lost sum wait, hoping this fines u well
ure frend
Geoffrey xx

Readers will perhaps recall that Geoffrey and I embarked upon an experiment, just after January 1st. In defiance of all health-warnings we decided to try a "processed meat only" diet. We've always been fans of korn bif, Spam, sausages and such-like, so it was scarcely a hardship, and a good excuse to stick two fingers up at the Ghastly Wilson and his ilk.
But it looks like Geoffrey has been eating fresh fish and sea-weed, at his cousins' place - he might well have developed a taste for "healthy options" while away, so goodness knows how he'll adjust to our customary hi-fat hi-salt lo-fibre diet, once he's home.
To be honest, I've gone off the diet as well, as I've eaten crisps, which are a form of vegetable. I also enjoy the odd dollop of tomato ketchup on my korn bif sandwiches, and eat pies, which of course have pastry made from wheat and hydrogenated vegetable oil. So we'll probably have to start all over again and devise a new system. I'll discuss this with Geoffrey, when he returns.

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

the T-G looks down his nose at Geoffrey's writing

"For pity's sake," said the T-G in a shocked, hushed voice,"You'll have to send him to night classes. Is he alright in the, you know, head?"
"Of course he is!" I snapped, loyally. "He just can't spell."
"It's not just the spelling. It's the handwriting," he added in a disgusted tone.
"That's hardly his fault. Geoffrey doesn't have hands," I explained.
"Oh, of course," said the T-G. "I'd forgotten. I suppose he does alright for someone with webbed feet."
"Is Mrs T-G much of a writer?" I asked innocently, taking exception to his sneering manner. Any mention of Mrs T-G makes him jump and look guilty. "And isn't she wondering where you are at 1.30 in the morning? Not that it's any of my business."
"Ahem," he coughed," I think I'll just..."
His face had turned a ghastly and rather alarming shade of beige.
"Oh, forget it, T-G. Let's not fall out. Have another glass of madeira."
After all, I couldn't have him conking out on me.

Sunday, 14 March 2010

letters from geoffrey

Well, it's taken me all week to work my way through Geoffrey's letters. I'd no idea he was such a prolific writer.
"dere tupie
heer i am just of the gulf of mecksicko. we must of hit a thermal or sumfing as this is pritty darn far from owr yewsyewal neck of teh woodz. anyways itz 2 hot for me, i don' much lyke it heer, i wont to cum hoam and am missing u very much
yure frend 4 ever
geoffrey xxx

dere tupie
well heer i am just off teh azoars, itz been pritty stormy and we've bin buffitted abowt sumfing awful.
hopa to c u soon
yure frend
geoffrey xxx

dere tupie well heer i am just off teh caost of madeera, we are wurkin owr way up toowords yoor good self and will geh hoam iventyewally.
hoap 2 c u sune
yure frend
geoffrey xxx

dere tupie
well heer i am just off the coast of sellafeeld pwr station my fethers hav turnt a funnie color
see u sune it wont be long now
yure frend
geoffrey xxx

dere tupie
I sorry I stoppt off in jura to c my cuzzins staid longer than i expekted
had a luvly tyme
yure frend


dere tupie
sorry i stoppt off in mull to c more cuzzins
wiff u sune
yure frend geoffrey xxx

Saturday, 6 March 2010

boomerang effect

Fortunately, Spockfingers has a cousin on "the other side" who suffers equally from wind, and when I emerged via a water spout just off some cliffs on the Tasmanian coastline, he or she "let rip" and down I went once again, back through the hole from whence I came. I gave Doug McClure a wave as I sped past.
The searing heat of the earth's core ruptured the ropes which bound me to the trolley (yes, ropes) and when I bobbed to the surface in the Bay I found myself well and truly "off my trolley" and able to leg it for shore.
I can't swim very well, but circumstances being as they were, I managed to make it, and at quite a speedy rate. It helped that I kept seeing a large black fin looming into my line of vision.
My wool was absolutely sodden by the time I got to shore, and it was with great difficulty that I managed to clamber up the winding cliffside path back to the Rocky Outcrop.
I was met at the door by Razor Bill, who was delivering the post.
"Where on earth have you been, Tuppy?"
"Australia," I replied proudly, seizing a bundle of letters. All from Geoffrey! I'm just drying my wool off by a roaring driftwood fire, and calming my nerves with a glass of madeira, and then I'll settle down to have a good read.